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Met my penpal who had a girlfriend, then things turned ugly and i'm not sure if this person is the person he says he is

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Anna899
Anna899's picture
Met my penpal who had a girlfriend, then things turned ugly and i'm not sure if this person is the person he says he is

Hello everyone :),

I am in a situation where I don't know what to do, and my friends are telling me basically since the beginning to stop talking to that guy because of his situation (prison) so I wish I can have some advices that go beyond this... It's not really the normal message but i'm so lost... and i'm tired of hearing people around me telling me he is a bad guy JUST because he is in prison so i wanted to share this with people that had this cliche out of their mind already...

I am 25 years old, woman, I am italian living in Italia and he is american living in the USA, 20 years old and in jail since one and half year.
Last year january, I was with my boyfriend and we were watching some documentaries about prisoners in America. And it's when I saw, let's call him Jared. Jared was so young and I felt he was so lonely in his mind and not having any hopes in the system anymore. I felt super bad and my boyfriend told me to write him up to cheer him up a bit. Which I did and I got an answer, which i didn't expect. He was a bit cold at first but he told me it was nice to hear from people outside anyway because his friends didn't reach out much and he had difficult relationship with his family. Few weeks later, he tells me he met a girl in prison that wrote him and she is getting jealous that he talks to me so he prefers to stop there. I felt it was good for him that he found love with someone and I wished him the best.

Few weeks later, he comes back in my emailbox telling me he got difficult time understanding his girl, that she was over jealous and a bit mean sometimes (like she would say in a sarcastic way "Like you are going to break up, you have no one besides me, you never gonna break up"). So he needed advices. I gave him some, like to be patient because the situation is difficult for her etc... like i was routing for this girl because I felt she was a blessing for him and they seemed really in love. Then he gave me his Instagram and it all started from there.

I don't have instagram so i created an account just to check on his art, because he draws and paint. And suddenly, he came at me telling me I should stop watching his instagram because his girl is jealous. So I'm like, okey well i'm stopping. then his insta becomes private. And suddenly, nothing from him anymore. For three months I don't hear nothing. So I assume he just preferred stop talking and you know, move on, it's cool I wasn't that much friendly with him like it wasn't that deep, we got along well but that's it. Then in december last year, he came back telling me that he missed talking to me and he stopped because his girlfriend had been telling him that I reached out to her instagram and that I threatened her, went under her skin etc...

I tell him I didn't, I don't know what's all this about. Then he says he trust me and he missed talking to me so we got back to chatting. I thought his girlfriend knew about us talking while he had actually been hiding this to her. Then suddenly, he again came back at me and ask me if I'm stalking on her instagram because apparently she saw my instagram account stalking. I don't have an account anymore. Now during those months, we grew talking a lot, like basically all day long sending each other messages, I started to see him as like a really good friend and I really wanted his happiness. In-between, i broke up with my boyfriend (now ex) because of unrelated reasons. Jared started to be flirting with me on occasion, and I always put a stop on it, telling him I feel uncomfortable and his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate. And I didnt see him that way anyway.

We keep talking for months, then we really develop a big bond. Meanwhile his girlfriend and him it's just rollercoaster, she has been lying to him a whole bunch of times, trying to make him jealous, going talk to his friends and trying to light the fire with jealousy about it, etc... And one day in a conversation, he tells me her name. And her name is super original so I notice immediately. When I created an instagram account to check on his art, two accounts with the similar name, her name, DMed me and told me to let go her boyfriend, that i was a b.... and that basically i was a s..... for chasing a guy that had a girlfriend. Now i didn't think of her because I was part time bartending at that time and one girl was completely thinking i was hitting up on his boy, a client of my bar, while nothing happened and we actually barely talked with that guy. So i wasn't much into that thinking and i had my best friends from the bar on followers so i felt it was some shits from the bar and i ignored. When I do realise that it could be the same person, she was accusing me of being a fake and being a catfish. I was enough with all those accusation so I told him, "Hey i'm gonna send you pictures and you gonna understand maybe a bit more who your girlfriend is. And after that I don't want to hear about you anymore, it's done.". And right after this message, he blocked me.
Few months after, he came back telling me he is sorry and he just couldn't face what i was about to show him. That he didn't want to face the truth and that now he broke up with her he wanted to know the truth. So I show him, turns out it was her. I tell him bye and we stop talking. Then i received a long message on my facebook, telling me he manipulates me, he is in love with her, he will always be, i'm always gonna be the second choice, he is gonna use me for money (i never sent him money, he never asked for anything, he was the one paying for our calls,never never) and a lot of other things. And the end was that if I didn't stop talking to him, i would have serious troubles happening and she said she has my LinkedIn and you know, it's professional, my career is my passion so that was too much. So for me i was like, That's enough, so i block him even though we weren't chatting anymore, I blocked him, threw everything from him, his letters, draws at trash and move on.

Then I received a "friend request" from his prison, but from another prisoner. I find it odd, so i unblocked him and i tell him that someone asked to communicate with me from his prison and that he should be careful if that was someone who stole a letter with my email in it or something. He tells me it's him, and he wanted to know why i blocked him. So I tell him everything and he tells me he went on and off with his girlfriend and now they are over, he broke up. We start talking again and he turns out to be so more chill, like really the best of himself, he was happy, motivated, like i loved the person he became suddenly. He told me it was difficult the break up, but that now he feels he just wasted time with her because she was someone he can't be with. And we stop talking about her, we grow even more into our friendship, we start to really know each other reactions which is super weird because we never met. it's first time it happens to me. And one day he start to be flirty and I stop him right away once again, and then its break point. He starts telling me that he is frustrated that i friend zoned him, because he likes me, and he doesn't want to feel he is doing something bad every time he expresses his feelings to me. I told him that I never thought of him like this and I thought it was a game to him because he told me he was a player outside. Then he answers it was before, and that prison changed him, that he got opportunities to talk to other girls, to flirt with other girls, like when he is outside doing his duty work, some girls tried to give him their phone number etc.. but he isn't interested anymore and that with me he feels sometimes more than friendship and that he wants to see where it's going. After thinking through, I told him that alright, i let my guard down, but it's a proof of trust i give him because if he fucks up, it's dead. So we keep talking, sometimes a bit flirty but nothing too much, we just keep talking and talking. And one day, after I think two months, he comes back and tell me he needs to tell me something, that he doesn't want to hide anything from me but he knows it's gonna fuck everything up.

He heard that he will be soon released so he called his ex girlfriend to tell her, and she told him she had hard time in her life, that he really hurt her etc... He told me he started talk to her because he didn't feel he could leave her in the bad time she was having. and he tells me "i don't want you to feel any type of way about this". I answered I don't understand him and he told me He will not leave someone that counted for him on the side of the road, that she needed him. And then he blocked me and unblock me right away (but i still got the notifications).

Maybe I over reacted but I told him bye, that it's done i'm done with this and i block him.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I receive a strange message from a random prison that I don't know about. It's him, Jared. He had been transferred. He asks to call me to explain himself because i kind of told him everything on my heart when i blocked him and it was mean sometimes. So i agree, we call. He tells me that basically as soon as i blocked him, with that message, he started messing around in the prison, did some stuffs he wasn't supposed to be doing and had been caught and sent to another prison. which was so surprising for me because he was doing SO good until we stop talking. he graduated his GED, he had been planning all good his outside life and stuffs. Then he tells me that once we stopped talking, his girlfriend asked for another chance that she will make efforts and change and he told her that he just took the risk of his life doing this (because he screw our friendship), and that she better not fuck it up. But then she was just the old self. and he regretted what he did. he tells me thats he tried again with her because he feels he couldn't meet me any soon, because he couldn't get passport until he is off paper. That getting back with her was the "easy" solution. but he realised that he wanted me and that screw his relationship. and he broke up again. That he liked me more than i knew. He reveals that when he was flirting at the beginning, it was his girl that was asking to do this to prove that i would flirt back. But that after, he just did because he liked me. That he wants to be respectful but its strong, he can't let me go and that when he heard me saying bye on the phone, like really it was over, it gave him strikes in his heart. I told him I didn't believe anything he was saying and he told me he understand, that it hurts to hear this but he understands. He told me with me he feels free and happy and that it's been so long time he haven't feel this. Thats it's not about his ex anymore because he is done for good. He knew he couldnt fix things with her but he went back to her because he was feeling he will never meet me anyway. And that he tried to make her be like me but it wasn't possible. And then i told him that i turned the page and he should do the same. And he answered that there is still things to write on this page so he can't turn it. And he asked if he can contact me once he is outside. He is soon gonna be out btw. He told me he wants to prove things to me. That he can't do it in here because i don't trust him and he don't know how to prove himself while in prison. So after all this he tells me to "please, when i'm out, i will find you and prove things fo you not to find it disrespectful". I said alright, you can contact me back once outside, but it's gonna be pure friendship and you cant be any disrespectful regarding this. He said ok, he said i'm on his mind too much. He said "sometimes i go to thinking how much i would appreciate if i could just have you that friend zoned me". i didn't understand this sentence but i said Ok bye take care. He told me before that he wanted to prove things outside to me to show me that it's not just because of prison that he was talking to me, but that in prison he can't do that and i'll always have these thoughts while he is incarcerated.

If you have come so far, congratulation :p Now my question : I'm scared that if he comes back, I develop real feelings, hard love feelings for him because since few months i've been thinking of him in another way. But I don't trust him, i don't believe him anymore and I'm scared to get hurt. but something in me keeps being attracted by him. I don't know if he is playing, if i'm his second choice, if he just likes me as a friend, i'm so confused.

My friends just stayed focus on the fact that he is in prison. That he is therefore a bad guy. So they keep telling me They don't understand why I would go into this while I can have a guy outside that fits me. For info, he is in prison for non violent crime.

I met another guy few months ago, that fits perfect for me, he loves me and i don't want to be in a relationship with him yet because I keep thinking of Jared and it annoys me. I like the new guy, we have fun together, but he is not Jared...

Help :(

Jeanne555
Jeanne555's picture

Hello Anna, I read you whole post and I think that's great that you tried to be a supportive friend to this guy. I can't believe how much drama he brought into your life, honestly you are so patient! If it was up to me I would be gone a long time ago.
From my point of view he sounds immature with the whole blocking unblocking and Instagram snooping stories. Honestly you don't need this drama in your life! I don't say that because he is in prison, I have 2 prison penpals myself so I don't judge on person's past but this drama just would drive me nuts. I am older than you guys and I just find this exhausting. If he wants to prove himself to you then ok let him prove but he can't go between 2 girls constantly it's just disrespectful to both of you. He can't say "I have some feelings" and then go to his ex. No matter what he says just remember that actions speak louder than words.
If your intuition tells you not to trust him then listen to your intuition and keep your guard up. You said you've met another guy on the outside so see how this new guy is. If you are not too crazy about the new guy then it is ok you don't need to settle.
I really hope you will find a great guy who will treat you like a queen, you deserve it!

ST4s
ST4s's picture

I’d say get a composer and you’ll have an opera! (Or maybe license the movie rights?) Never mind the prison part, this dude sounds like a drama factory.

And +1 to what Jeanne said.

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Hello jeanne :)

Thank you so much for reading all out. It lights my heart to see that yo have two penpals and you are doing great without any dramas. I was thinking of having other penpals but this whole things made me rethink it. Thank you for not judging his condition first, it's really the type of answer I was expecting. I sent him a message yesterday telling him my concerns and he said he can't force me, he wanted to wait until he is out because he thought he could prove that "Yeh he is out and talks to me, it wasn't out of boreness he did this". He told me he is feeling really bad these days because he open his eyes on so many things that his girlfriend did put him through and that he feels stupid. I believe he is young, unexperienced and he had been caught in a bad relationship. I've decided not to be too harsh and to let things go. i told him that we should stay strictly friends, but i'm not sure this "friendship" will survive anyway. And i'll continue my life on my side.

I needed to write this down to liberate my chest, thank you again for your message, it really helped me

 

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Thanks for reading the whole story, I know it was super long.

Haha yes... I think i could call netflix and make a serie out of it haha. Yes it was drama for nothing, thank you for your answer, i needed to write this out and let it out, now i'm clearer on my mind about all this :)

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Anna, I do believe that he has "feelings for you". That doesn't automatically mean he couldn't go back to his ex. There are personality type structures who do just that who go where it hurts (and still hurt others) while KNOWING there could and would be other place (i.e. love without hurt). That does happen,in- or outside.That's just a personility type structure kind of thing, mixed with certain (probable) experiences made before. Given by what you told I could write down a fictive, possible story of what might have happened prior to it all. (I won't, mind you,but there are certain signs that are all there). 

And if it was even remotely like that, then it isn't a soap opera, or if, then it's a soapopera created out of mental illness and a certain personity structure. But that is HIS challenge, not yours. A hard one to conquer, for sure and one that very well might have led him into trouble in the first place. But that isn't your challenge/problem, so, don't make it/ let it not become yours.

There's a post card on Jpay "Sorry for making my problem ours" that immediately came to my mind while I was reading through your story.

It's ok to love him, but... love, I mean, real love, doesn't mean to always be nice. Love can also mean tough love, crystal clear, deep, but tough. And that can mean to go or to let go someone. (Which can be more loving than to stay in destructive patterns or relationships).

And you can love more than one person. In fact, many ppl, if not most, do, even if one is in romantic relationship with only one.

You said you met another guy. You said he's perfect for you. But he's not Jared. Right, he's not. He will never be. He's himself. And he has got the right to be seen and loved as an individual just as well. If you can't do that right now, because that place in your heart is still taken by Jared, don#t go into a relationship with him. As little as you'd kliked to be hurt, as little would he deserve to be.

And as for taken places... look... hearts can have many rooms. One for each person who ever walked into it. Some have their place,keep their room. Some tidied up, some chaotic. Some rooms are empty, yet still left unchanged, as if the person who once lived there, might come back any minute.

Some rooms you occassionally walk in, to look at old photo albums and smile. And some rooms... you just keep them closed. They exist and you know it, but you just don't open them. You may take a peek through the window at times, but life has more to offer than might-have-beens.

Jared and you sound to me like a might have been. But ultimately it's you who'll decide.

Good luck in whatever you do,

Kirsten

 

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Hello Kirsten,

First of all, thank you for reading this whole story and taking the time to answer. I am actually very curious of what you meant by that : "Given by what you told I could write down a fictive, possible story of what might have happened prior to it all. (I won't, mind you,but there are certain signs that are all there). " I really wonder why he behave like this often. He had anger management issues. When we first met if something made him mad, he'll blow up and fight. Over the time, he took counsselling and I tried my best to support him in this. Now everytime that something frustrate him, he comes talk to me about it and we work it out smoothly so i was really proud of that for him. We come from complete different background, but I know he got hurt a lot. A lot of people told me he was a scammer around me (again because of the jail situation), so it also came into my mind if the story sound too much like a scam?

I never used Jpay :P we used inmateinbox but I see what you mean. He used to send me cards with those kinds of writting. As for the other guy, yes I was honnest with him and he actually even know Jared, I've talk about him some times. He knows I won't go into anything with him before my mind is clear. i don't want to hurt people unnecessarly.

Thank you for your words, you seem a really wise person. It's really comforting to read you :) Thank you a lot :)

Liw from Scandinavia
Liw from Scandinavia's picture

Wow... what a story!! So, after reading this, I actually think he has true feelings for you. I don't think his back-and-forth behaviour is due to not genuinly liking or appreciating you, but due to lots of bad experiences of abandonment and disappointments in his childhood that has damaged his ability to attache to people in a stable and secure way. (In other words, it sounds to me like he has an anxious/ambivalent attachment style.) Also he is messed up because of previous experiences with girls and another part that contributes to his behavour is probably immarturity and not being used to be comitted to a relationship. That's just my take on this and my guesses.

So, to sum up. I think his feelings are genuin and that he's telling you the truth. But I also think he struggle with not knowing how to stay committed in a relationship, and I think he needs to adress his fears (fear of being abandoned, trust issues etc.). He has a lot to work on, but he will grow as a person over time, with love and support. He might hurt you along the way, just by being this unstable and not yet know how to take responsibility for his own (and others') feelings. And only you know if he is worth the risk and effort it would take to make it work. :) I don't think he is a bad guy at all or has bad intentions. And I hope it will all works out for you two, one way or another! Trust your gut.

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Hi Anna,

Liw already said some of what I'd have guessed/assumed, too. I'll just add a few things. Do whatever you'd like to do with it.

[QUOTE]Now everytime that something frustrate him, he comes talk to me about it and we work it out smoothly.[/QUOTE]

That, in itself, is a huge step of trust. Many ppl do not get that being able to show anger, fear, frustration, sadness, grief, etc. to someone means to feel safe with someone. When you're able to be real with someone (regardless whether this is "nice" or not  ... hm, we say "Schokoladenseite" in German, "chocolate side" sounds good, but I guess, it's too literal, what the heck is the correct term? Well,but you get the gist, don't you? ) then you start really getting into deep connection. Fairweather ppl are easy to find, but it's those  who risk going through conflict with you and stay that are building sustainable bonds.

[QUOTE]We come from complete different background, [/QUOTE]

That's quite common. I think many ppl writing to inmates (not all but many) haven't been in situations they are and have been into.  But... you know... to be able to do things differently, you need a different perspective first, to realize that a different way is possible. Then you need still to be able to trust which means at least some commonalities through all differences. You're offering both.

[QUOTE]I really wonder why he behave like this often. [/QUOTE]

Well, you know... some ppl flee from what's good,because they feel they're not good enough for it. They're denying themselves what they yearn for. Saddening, hm? Some ppl don't know how to be close with someone without hurt.

[QUOTE]A lot of people told me he was a scammer around me [/QUOTE]

When it comes to inmates, a lot of ppl call everything a scam, they got neither another word, nor any explanation for. "To the one who only has a hammer, everything will be treated like a nail." Never mind screwdrivers.

[QUOTE]so it also came into my mind if the story sound too much like a scam?[/QUOTE]

To me, this doesn't sound like scamming. It sounds like someone who can't be alone with himself, but doesn't have the tools in his box yet to be close with someone, either. And to me it sounds like someone who has a code of honor that might kill him. And I think it is this code of honor that actually made him go back when he knew he shouldn't have done.

You know the story of the two monkeys in the flood? It strikes me as that kind of situation.

Anna... everyone has his or her own limits. Only you can know what you can and can't do /deal with.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself. For when you don't, you are of no help to anyone.

Kirsten

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

Hi Anna, I've also read your whole story (I just couldn't stop once I started!) and I agree with Jeanne that it is exhausting. I am also a bit older, so that might be the reason, but my goodness, what a lot of trouble.

And maybe because I am older, I look at this whole story a bit different. Because I've learned that it's not so much about the things that he does that are important for yourself, it is more about what you do, that is important. I'll try to explain. You say you don't trust him, but I think what another problem is, is that you cannot trust yourself around him. How many times have you tried to keep the contact between the two of you, just as friends and not romanticly? But somehow you keep ending up going against your own wishes and agreeing with him to have a different relationship than the one you originally wanted. You are not faithful to yourself in this matter. And that is very understandable, because boy, does he have a lot of words to convince you! But ultimately you'll get frustrated with yourself and that can make you feel very lonely and depressed. 

This is what I mean with that it is about you in a relationship (of any kind really). The big test is: how do I behave, how do I feel about myself with this boy? Am I someone I like to be? Can I be myself in a way that I respect myself and feel connected with myself? And in my opinion, I don't think you can answer these questions with a loud YES when it concerns Jared, the rollercoaster man. 

Well, these are my two cents. I hope that whatever you decide, you will love and honour yourself as you should, because you sound like a lovely person. 

 

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Hello Liw from Scandinavia :)

Thank you for reading and answering :) Yes I also believe he had scars from his past about this. He felt I was downsizing his feelings towards me when I rejected him, and it was an odd interpretation and he told me he is used to have that from his parents. He has conflict relationship with his dad, he always searched for love from his side and demonstration of love, he told me he always wanted his dad to feel proud but failed at it. His dad don't talk about this feelings, he is "cold" person. Yet he is gonna live to his home when released and work for him so he loves him. But he has always been the "bad" one of the family, the one who caused troubles. His older brother is relying on him all the time, and he went into troubles also to protect his brother. And I think that meeting his girlfriend at that time, that came out of nowhere, during a lonely and difficult time, and showing him like the life he wanted to have, becase he was supposed to move in with her after release, get married and have kids. The white hences house in the cute suburb. And I think this is something that was holding really hard to her, the stability she offered, the family she offered.

I was in a very confused and sad mood when I wrote this but reading all your comments made me realize that i really like him and i think i can be a great support, friendly or more, and that what mattered now is how we both advance in our life as we are still young. I think he got things to focus on before thinking of those drama like reabilitation and stuff. He knows that staying at his dad too long would cause troubles and make them fight so he needs to fix his future plans first. And I need to focus into my career. We can still support each other from our respective country and not rush anything. Thank you a lot :)

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Hello Kirsten ! 

Yes as I said to Liw from Scandinavia, he comes from a broken family, he had been rejected by hismother in law for so long, some times she would call him and he would end up so frusrated and broken after her call, I remember him talking to me about that right after their calls and it was heart broken for me to hear that.

Haha I assume you are german, I took some german classes when younger and yes I think just "someone's best side" could be used. I also feel we grew into some trust because I told him something that happened in my past that I never told anyone in my life and for me that was a huge thing. I knew he did hide many things to his girlfriend so she wouldn't get mad, like talking to me, or not liking things she said or done just to not fight, but with me he always tell me raw, when sometimes he talks a bit rude I tell him that the way he delivers the message is rude and he apologize directly and rephrase it and i love this about our friendship. When everything was good and he went back talking to his ex, he told me after two days and he told me he didn't want to tell me first because he knew how i'd react but he felt he was doing something horrible not telling me during these two days so he ended up telling me. And even if he was right I reacted by shutting down, I like the fact that he told me the truth. I was doubting but deep deep in me i can't help but thinking he had been honnest with me since day one and i appreciate that.

For the scam, thank you for reassuring me on this. Everyone around me seem to find appealing to just accuse him of everything just because he is in prison. It's frustrating.

I didn't know the story of the two monkeys but i just checked it up :p yes kind of similar :p ! 

Kristen, do you mind me asking a last advice ? With all your answers, and me being in really a confused time when I wrote this, I grew to think that I should step back emotionnaly from this. I want to be there for him, friendly at first because i don't want to rush anything. i can't fool myself, i don't see him strictly as a friend, but we also never met which make me wants to wait to know more about him to see if really this is someone i allow myself to fall in love with. I think right now he has a lot of struggles and i want him to focus on his life outside, the release, not to go back to bad habits, create a good environment for himself, leaving the drama out. Two days ago i shut down on him and told him i can't continue, that it's better we just forget each other and continue our life on our own. He told me : "look, all this may be confusing and mindconsumming... ik it is for me. Thats why im saying i got to get out and be able to show you all this. What are you talking... jerking around ? (i asked him if he was jerking around because i needed to hear him answer this). Think im really just gonna be fooling around like a little kid... ? we are better than that. " then i asked him to "promise then", he thinks saying promise are stupid because its just words that can be fooled, but for me i never fool my promises so it's something important. and he answered "this is stupid but i promise". I said thanks and he answered : "what you think I got going on"? I told him i wonder what was in his mind and that everything that happned since the beginning seemed so odd.and he answered " A lot is on my mind, really a lot... how can people be so spiteful... im fucked up by thinking of this... and idk where or how to clear that up to you". I told him i didn't know either and then he didn't answer.
Now i wonder if i should just let it go and wait for him to come back when he feels, or send him a message to tell him like i told you, that i just want him doing good, that he needs to focus on his life after release first and that he can contact me after when he feels to. Like i wish to make him feel less think about all this story and focus on himself because i know when he is affected emotionnaly thats when he does mistakes. And it would boroke my heart to see him finally do his 5 full years instead of being released early. What do you think i should do ?

Thank you ^^

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Hello Carmen :)

Thank you for reading my story :) !! i know it was so long !! beyond the advices, i needed to write all that up because i felt too overwehlmed at that time !

Yes You are really right, thank you for pointing that out, i never really thought of this before. About the questions, I agree this is something I should be able to answer. That's why I came to the decision that, i like him, and i want to support him as much as i can. But i need to emotionnaly disconnect in a way and wait to see more about him before doing anything that could be a regret after. I hope i can stay friend with him and we can grow knowing each other even more. Thank you a lot for your answer, it really opened even more my eyes on how "disfunctionnal" im not sure of the term, our situation was and how i think step back, breathe and just figure things by priority is something the best.
And thank you, you sound lovely too  :D !!

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Kirsten, I just wanted to add, i don't know how to quote but you said : And to me it sounds like someone who has a code of honor that might kill him. YES, a total YES. From the beginning, eveyrtime he told me he trust me and he thinks it's on his girlfriend side the problem, he KEPT telling me "but she is my girlfriend, i owe her to defend her". Always this answer. He has this "street code" also but i can't say much about it because i believe that's what saved him a lot of time also. And i think maybe in prison it might be that kind of code too. So yes, he had a code of honor to him, and for that ii've notice early.

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Hello Anna,

let me get through this carefully, let's see what we'll find, hm? 

[QUOTE], he had been rejected by hismother in law for so long,[/QUOTE]

Whoops! So, it's not only you and an ex-girlfriend, but also a wife or an ex-wife? Wouldn't make things less complicated, would it? ;-)

[QUOTE]Haha I assume you are german, I took some german classes when younger and yes I think just "someone's best side" could be used.[/QUOTE]

Correctly assumed. *smile*  Thanks for helping me out on that one, as I really didn't know any equivalent idiom. I still think that the chocolate aspect puts a focus on the sweetness ansd likability of someone (most ppl like chocolate, I guess...) whereas "someone's best side" sounds more neutral to me, but yes, it is conveying the message. So, really thanks for that.

Sounds tome like the two of you built yourselves some solid foundation of communication which is always a good thing to do and to have. As for the doubting... yeah, it's always okay to take things with a grain of salt and with someone being in prison ppl are more likely to doubt intentions than with others. After all, they're not in for pilfing a cookie in a boy scouts' camp.

I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do. You asked for advice, but to give you my advice is not to give you any "Do this, don't do that." If my advice was to be helpful, it could only be sth.to help you find a decision for yourself. So, what do you need to get the clarity for a decision?

I'll tell you three things that are on my mind when I read this, but none of them is a clear "this or that". you could use them both ways.

1) Imagine you're in a museum. Just imagine that for a minute. A museum of art with a very big and detailed painting on the wall. And your decision is now how close you wish to go to the painting. There is no right or wrong answer on that one. It'll just be two very different perspectives - on the same picture. If you step back, you see more of the whole picture and it'll allow you to get an overview. But there will be details you're going to miss, of course.  If you step closer, though, you'll see a lot of details, but may miss out on the big picture.

Your goal is now to find out what amount of proximity is appropriate for you and what you're comfortable with.

2) If you told him what you told us here, how would it feel? If you didn't tell him what you told us here, how would it feel? Close your eyes, imagine the options, listen to how it feels in your body and act according to it.

I smiled when I read this

[QUOTE]i can't fool myself, i don't see him strictly as a friend, but we also never met which make me wants to wait to know more about him to see if really this is someone i allow myself to fall in love with.[/QUOTE]

For many ppl it may seem impossible to control who they fall in love with, but... I guess, I know very well what you mean. Stopped someone from falling for me, stopped myself from falling for someone. (Not thesame person, different ppl at different points in my life). Might- have- been rooms inside of my heart.

You're right,meeting someone is the real check. Getting to know someone with your senses will easily show how sensual it will or won't get between the two of you. Fantasies of how the other one is can fill in a lot of gaps. So, how to make adecision before you ever met in person? Do you even need one before? CAN you even find a reliable one before?

So, now I've given you more questions than answers and as impolite as that may seem, it's better for you to find and make your own decision than relying on other people's shoulds or shouldn'ts.

Kirsten

 

 

Anna899
Anna899's picture

Oops... my english failed me, I wanted to say step mother. :x ! Thank you for all your answers :) Not gonna lie, i'm still confuse haha but you gave me keys to work with so I really do appreciate. Thank you a lot, your penpals are really lucky to have you :D !!!