Hello everyone :),
I am in a situation where I don't know what to do, and my friends are telling me basically since the beginning to stop talking to that guy because of his situation (prison) so I wish I can have some advices that go beyond this... It's not really the normal message but i'm so lost... and i'm tired of hearing people around me telling me he is a bad guy JUST because he is in prison so i wanted to share this with people that had this cliche out of their mind already...
I am 25 years old, woman, I am italian living in Italia and he is american living in the USA, 20 years old and in jail since one and half year.
Last year january, I was with my boyfriend and we were watching some documentaries about prisoners in America. And it's when I saw, let's call him Jared. Jared was so young and I felt he was so lonely in his mind and not having any hopes in the system anymore. I felt super bad and my boyfriend told me to write him up to cheer him up a bit. Which I did and I got an answer, which i didn't expect. He was a bit cold at first but he told me it was nice to hear from people outside anyway because his friends didn't reach out much and he had difficult relationship with his family. Few weeks later, he tells me he met a girl in prison that wrote him and she is getting jealous that he talks to me so he prefers to stop there. I felt it was good for him that he found love with someone and I wished him the best.
Few weeks later, he comes back in my emailbox telling me he got difficult time understanding his girl, that she was over jealous and a bit mean sometimes (like she would say in a sarcastic way "Like you are going to break up, you have no one besides me, you never gonna break up"). So he needed advices. I gave him some, like to be patient because the situation is difficult for her etc... like i was routing for this girl because I felt she was a blessing for him and they seemed really in love. Then he gave me his Instagram and it all started from there.
I don't have instagram so i created an account just to check on his art, because he draws and paint. And suddenly, he came at me telling me I should stop watching his instagram because his girl is jealous. So I'm like, okey well i'm stopping. then his insta becomes private. And suddenly, nothing from him anymore. For three months I don't hear nothing. So I assume he just preferred stop talking and you know, move on, it's cool I wasn't that much friendly with him like it wasn't that deep, we got along well but that's it. Then in december last year, he came back telling me that he missed talking to me and he stopped because his girlfriend had been telling him that I reached out to her instagram and that I threatened her, went under her skin etc...
I tell him I didn't, I don't know what's all this about. Then he says he trust me and he missed talking to me so we got back to chatting. I thought his girlfriend knew about us talking while he had actually been hiding this to her. Then suddenly, he again came back at me and ask me if I'm stalking on her instagram because apparently she saw my instagram account stalking. I don't have an account anymore. Now during those months, we grew talking a lot, like basically all day long sending each other messages, I started to see him as like a really good friend and I really wanted his happiness. In-between, i broke up with my boyfriend (now ex) because of unrelated reasons. Jared started to be flirting with me on occasion, and I always put a stop on it, telling him I feel uncomfortable and his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate. And I didnt see him that way anyway.
We keep talking for months, then we really develop a big bond. Meanwhile his girlfriend and him it's just rollercoaster, she has been lying to him a whole bunch of times, trying to make him jealous, going talk to his friends and trying to light the fire with jealousy about it, etc... And one day in a conversation, he tells me her name. And her name is super original so I notice immediately. When I created an instagram account to check on his art, two accounts with the similar name, her name, DMed me and told me to let go her boyfriend, that i was a b.... and that basically i was a s..... for chasing a guy that had a girlfriend. Now i didn't think of her because I was part time bartending at that time and one girl was completely thinking i was hitting up on his boy, a client of my bar, while nothing happened and we actually barely talked with that guy. So i wasn't much into that thinking and i had my best friends from the bar on followers so i felt it was some shits from the bar and i ignored. When I do realise that it could be the same person, she was accusing me of being a fake and being a catfish. I was enough with all those accusation so I told him, "Hey i'm gonna send you pictures and you gonna understand maybe a bit more who your girlfriend is. And after that I don't want to hear about you anymore, it's done.". And right after this message, he blocked me.
Few months after, he came back telling me he is sorry and he just couldn't face what i was about to show him. That he didn't want to face the truth and that now he broke up with her he wanted to know the truth. So I show him, turns out it was her. I tell him bye and we stop talking. Then i received a long message on my facebook, telling me he manipulates me, he is in love with her, he will always be, i'm always gonna be the second choice, he is gonna use me for money (i never sent him money, he never asked for anything, he was the one paying for our calls,never never) and a lot of other things. And the end was that if I didn't stop talking to him, i would have serious troubles happening and she said she has my LinkedIn and you know, it's professional, my career is my passion so that was too much. So for me i was like, That's enough, so i block him even though we weren't chatting anymore, I blocked him, threw everything from him, his letters, draws at trash and move on.
Then I received a "friend request" from his prison, but from another prisoner. I find it odd, so i unblocked him and i tell him that someone asked to communicate with me from his prison and that he should be careful if that was someone who stole a letter with my email in it or something. He tells me it's him, and he wanted to know why i blocked him. So I tell him everything and he tells me he went on and off with his girlfriend and now they are over, he broke up. We start talking again and he turns out to be so more chill, like really the best of himself, he was happy, motivated, like i loved the person he became suddenly. He told me it was difficult the break up, but that now he feels he just wasted time with her because she was someone he can't be with. And we stop talking about her, we grow even more into our friendship, we start to really know each other reactions which is super weird because we never met. it's first time it happens to me. And one day he start to be flirty and I stop him right away once again, and then its break point. He starts telling me that he is frustrated that i friend zoned him, because he likes me, and he doesn't want to feel he is doing something bad every time he expresses his feelings to me. I told him that I never thought of him like this and I thought it was a game to him because he told me he was a player outside. Then he answers it was before, and that prison changed him, that he got opportunities to talk to other girls, to flirt with other girls, like when he is outside doing his duty work, some girls tried to give him their phone number etc.. but he isn't interested anymore and that with me he feels sometimes more than friendship and that he wants to see where it's going. After thinking through, I told him that alright, i let my guard down, but it's a proof of trust i give him because if he fucks up, it's dead. So we keep talking, sometimes a bit flirty but nothing too much, we just keep talking and talking. And one day, after I think two months, he comes back and tell me he needs to tell me something, that he doesn't want to hide anything from me but he knows it's gonna fuck everything up.
He heard that he will be soon released so he called his ex girlfriend to tell her, and she told him she had hard time in her life, that he really hurt her etc... He told me he started talk to her because he didn't feel he could leave her in the bad time she was having. and he tells me "i don't want you to feel any type of way about this". I answered I don't understand him and he told me He will not leave someone that counted for him on the side of the road, that she needed him. And then he blocked me and unblock me right away (but i still got the notifications).
Maybe I over reacted but I told him bye, that it's done i'm done with this and i block him.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, I receive a strange message from a random prison that I don't know about. It's him, Jared. He had been transferred. He asks to call me to explain himself because i kind of told him everything on my heart when i blocked him and it was mean sometimes. So i agree, we call. He tells me that basically as soon as i blocked him, with that message, he started messing around in the prison, did some stuffs he wasn't supposed to be doing and had been caught and sent to another prison. which was so surprising for me because he was doing SO good until we stop talking. he graduated his GED, he had been planning all good his outside life and stuffs. Then he tells me that once we stopped talking, his girlfriend asked for another chance that she will make efforts and change and he told her that he just took the risk of his life doing this (because he screw our friendship), and that she better not fuck it up. But then she was just the old self. and he regretted what he did. he tells me thats he tried again with her because he feels he couldn't meet me any soon, because he couldn't get passport until he is off paper. That getting back with her was the "easy" solution. but he realised that he wanted me and that screw his relationship. and he broke up again. That he liked me more than i knew. He reveals that when he was flirting at the beginning, it was his girl that was asking to do this to prove that i would flirt back. But that after, he just did because he liked me. That he wants to be respectful but its strong, he can't let me go and that when he heard me saying bye on the phone, like really it was over, it gave him strikes in his heart. I told him I didn't believe anything he was saying and he told me he understand, that it hurts to hear this but he understands. He told me with me he feels free and happy and that it's been so long time he haven't feel this. Thats it's not about his ex anymore because he is done for good. He knew he couldnt fix things with her but he went back to her because he was feeling he will never meet me anyway. And that he tried to make her be like me but it wasn't possible. And then i told him that i turned the page and he should do the same. And he answered that there is still things to write on this page so he can't turn it. And he asked if he can contact me once he is outside. He is soon gonna be out btw. He told me he wants to prove things to me. That he can't do it in here because i don't trust him and he don't know how to prove himself while in prison. So after all this he tells me to "please, when i'm out, i will find you and prove things fo you not to find it disrespectful". I said alright, you can contact me back once outside, but it's gonna be pure friendship and you cant be any disrespectful regarding this. He said ok, he said i'm on his mind too much. He said "sometimes i go to thinking how much i would appreciate if i could just have you that friend zoned me". i didn't understand this sentence but i said Ok bye take care. He told me before that he wanted to prove things outside to me to show me that it's not just because of prison that he was talking to me, but that in prison he can't do that and i'll always have these thoughts while he is incarcerated.
If you have come so far, congratulation :p Now my question : I'm scared that if he comes back, I develop real feelings, hard love feelings for him because since few months i've been thinking of him in another way. But I don't trust him, i don't believe him anymore and I'm scared to get hurt. but something in me keeps being attracted by him. I don't know if he is playing, if i'm his second choice, if he just likes me as a friend, i'm so confused.
My friends just stayed focus on the fact that he is in prison. That he is therefore a bad guy. So they keep telling me They don't understand why I would go into this while I can have a guy outside that fits me. For info, he is in prison for non violent crime.
I met another guy few months ago, that fits perfect for me, he loves me and i don't want to be in a relationship with him yet because I keep thinking of Jared and it annoys me. I like the new guy, we have fun together, but he is not Jared...