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HCHEMT321

Hi All,

So I decided to write right after Thanksgiving and found 3 people who I had similar interests with based on their profiles. I've heard back from 2. One is strictly snail mail based on where he is located...letters and cards have been passing back and forth about 2-3 times a week with general friendly banter and it's off to a great start. The other has email access and we speak a couple of times a day via that and then started speaking on the phone. We have a great deal in common and it's genuinely a great time. Recently, he has started talking more in terms of possible romance. Does this happen often and as quickly? He has (for the most part) kept it very clean and respectful but it's surprising, especially at such an early stage. With no push from my end he took his profile down "to show he is serious about his interest" and has asked if I'm willing to visit while I'm out that way for work in a few weeks..

So, has anyone else had this experience? If so, once the newness wears off do your pen pals tend to cool down a little? It's not that I am necessarily opposed to it down the road...maybe...I never had even thought of it before...but I'm a little shocked at this point!

Any feedback would rock. Thanks!


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HCHEMT321

I have no idea...what are the rules for visitation? He LITERALLY just mentioned it and I haven't looked into it.

 
Anonymous

Oh but he's in Federal? How can you get on his visiting list?

 
HCHEMT321

He's in Marion IL and it turns out I'll LITERALLY only be an hour away both at the end of Feb and in April due to work obligations..

As for the timing of it all...We had been talking about a month when he first started discussing being interested in more than just being pen pals. There had been some casual banter/flirting back and forth while joking around but I hadn't really given in any thought...It's not like I went into this going "OOH OOH! I want to date a felon!"

When he mentioned visiting all I could say was "Do you have ANY idea how awkward it would be to go from WORKING in military prisons to VISITING a federal prison?" He broke the silence with "Would it make you feel more at home if I let you cuff me? Cause I'd be okay with that."

Gotta appreciate the sense of humor...

 
Anonymous

Unless this is something that you would consider....

It is extremely popular lately....everyone is doing it... PEER PRESSURE! :D

 
NorthernLight

I think 2-3 weeks is very fast especially with no encouragement on your part. Though now that you know that he has interest more than just friendship you should nip it right away because I think it will only get worse if you don't. Unless this is something that you would consider....

 
Anonymous

Oo! Where in Illinois is he? I have a Menard and a Centralia!

 
HCHEMT321

HAHAHA! Oh I know! Having worked with men as one of the only females around most of my life I'm GREAT at the snarky retorts...what shocked me was when he kinda put it out there and I heard crickets chirping instead of sarcastic dribble coming out of my mouth. When I mentioned it to 2 of my best friends the commentary was priceless, "Well, you HAVE always thought the man of your dreams was being held prisoner in Somalia or Afghanistan...Illinois is much closer. So, TECHNICALLY, you could view this as a plus."

Love my friends, they are SO helpful :doh:

 
Anonymous

Just because someone is interested in a romance with you doesn't mean you have to consider it.
If it wasn't even anything that you'd considered...it doesn't have to become something you'd consider just because he voiced the interest.

Just as a FYI :D

 
HCHEMT321

Writing to inmates is a TOTALLY new thing to me and, with luck, both will be pen pals for a long time as they are both fun, enjoyable people to correspond with. I totally admit to not having considered how email could make me a bigger part of the picture than intended...I just saw it as "Hey, it costs him less than stamps." It was convenient. The phone kicked in as a "Hey, it'd be fun to talk during the holidays.."kind of thing. All me being totally naive on the experience.

As for time, I travel a lot April-Oct, both know that and know that while they can expect postcards and letters from the road, there may be some lags in communication on my end. Right now I'm working on my PhD so I'm guilty of the "Oh, he emailed, I'll shoot a quick response over" reflex. Having been deployed overseas during my DOD career I know what it's like to be away from EVERYONE and EVERYTHING and how much I just enjoyed even a quick 2 sentence note from friends and family, so I like to do in kind when I receive a hello...the romance angle completely knocked me back on my heels.

I appreciate the input and I totally feel like a twit for not having given more thought to it all right from the get go. I'm going to be gone for a few days with no email or phone access at the end of the month so hopefully that can be used as a natural "cool down" period. He seems to be a genuine person trying to get things together in life so I'd hate to be a downer but if I have to directly hit the brakes a little...so be it. I'm 33 and he's 40..the maturity level should be there to handle it.

 
februarymoon

And who is paying for all this? If it's the inmate how much longer can he keep that up? I gave a pp in Washington with JPay access and the emails cost him 16 cents a time. That's nothing to me but on $55 a month that's quite expensive. My Kansas penpal earns $19 a month and his JPay stamps are more expensive than Washington's.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. If you're emailing several times a day and talking on the phone a few times a week, can you keep that up for years? Do you have the time? Can you afford to?

Yes, it's all new and exciting right now. Just as a new job, a new home, a new car, a new hobby is all exciting. My guess is you'll settle into a slower routine soon when the excitement wears off.

 
lollyann

I have not had this experience but I am going to visit as we have grown together via our letters and my conversations with his family but it did not happen early on in correspondence and my other pp asked to phone but not straight away like yours has .I think you have to have boundaries set and remember that you really don't know the person until you sit face to face with them .Even my Texas one who I know is more than a pp but I still sit on the fence till I go and visit as anything can be put on paper and said in calls but its face to face and body language that says it all .Just see how the writing and calls go etc

 
gooddog

The thing is, because they don't have access to phone, email, text, instant message, in person, etc. the way we do, sometimes it can be taken in a much more serious manner to be emailing that often and phoning so soon. Often, because they don't get to have as many choices, people, or outlets as we do out here you can loom larger in their lives than you may have intended in these ways.
I always find it best to not email and phone right away and wait much longer for any of that, if at all. Letters have a way of keeping things on a bit of a slower track and that may be a good thing if you're not seeking to amp it up. Since you've already done the email and phone contact, if you want to slow things up a little you can just tell him that kindly. It won't sound like a rejection if you do it kindly, maybe set some parameters.

One thing that helps me is that I just do not have the time or ability to have a set schedule for phone calls all the time. That's just a fact. And I don't mind saying it when I have to. It's hard to have already set a certain standard and then pull back on it but it's ok to honestly state how you're feeling about it. That you really enjoy it and all but you'd like to just coast for a while as is and no hurt feelings if you can't email and call at this same rate at all times. (For example.)