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Does your penpal have a girlfriend

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Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Feel free to label me any way you want, Northernyank and to not waste any either of your nor my time with any further communication.

Northernyank
Northernyank's picture

@Kirsten I find you to be rude and condescending. I could elaborate but I have to write MY HUSBAND a letter. 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

@ Northernyank: That guy with the fiancée has never asked me for anything but time, not even for return stamps when writing a Jpay, (which I sometimes do include anyway). So, I think I can pretty clearly rule out he's corresponding with me for $. You know, I have occassionally been asked by inmates, if I could or would send money, but he's one of those who never did. So, in that particular case: wrong assumption.

I never said ppl should allow communication outside of an existing relationship (and I'm well aware that many don't). I'm not here to preach, convert or convince anyone. The only thing I said (and I stick to it) is that for me personally this point of view never made sense, neither logically, nor emotionally. And it doesn't and I doubt it ever will. A person is a person, and a person can not be a possession. If people commit to each other,that's wonderful! But the thought that anyone has an entitlement to another one's eternal love, presence, feelings, thoughts, money, recognition or approval - and that in all exclusivity- excuse me, if I step on anyone's toes, but: To me that is nonsense. Since no one can truly claim to know the future or every possible development they or their significant other might take, no one can truly make such a promise. And there's probably just as well no one who could fill every need of the other, at least not all the time. But that's me, doesn't have to be you or your husband or anyone else. Even the term "my partner" or "my husband" or "my boyfriend" is misleading in that regard, as the "my"implies not a voluntarily made bond, but a contract. But again, just me. BTW, that doesn't mean I wouldn't be able of longterm commitments,I've been with one and the same guy since July 2007. ;-) 

Speaking of intimacy through writing: I know what you mean. But I'm not responsible for how deep or superficial another one's real world connections are. ;-) Why should I shoulder that responsibity?

I can only speak for myself and I can say that I'm in the blessed position that even without writing to any prisoner, I'd have some emotionally intimate and deep connections, most of which are already existing for 10+ years. So, for myself, this was and isn't the reason for writing in. Though I do,of course, enjoy the trust, friendship and yes,emotiional intimacy that can develop over time.

@Amandaj: To your most recent question: You ask: " If his girlfriend or wife didn't know or wouldn't like it,  could you have still stood by?"

Those are two different situations with two different answers. a) Could I go on writing if his wife or gf didn't know?"

No, I wouldn't. Why? Because a relationship includes openness. For me, it wouldn't be the hurt that the man I'm with is or would be attracted to someone else. That can happen. The secrecy would be what would hurt me most,not the fact per say/by itself. I wouldn't do that to another person.

b) Could I go on writing if his gf wouldn't like it?

That depends. If they met after we (him and I) started writing: Yes, I would. Because then it would be totally clear, we're platonic. And if someone wouldn't trust him (and me) I'd ask him whether he truly believes that a relationship starting on distrust could be lasting.

If he was with that other person & had an ad here, then I'd assume she knows about it. And if she THEN doesn't like it, that's their business and I'd probably withdraw from writing him.

Happy Sunday,

Kirsten

                                                                                          

 

freebird1
freebird1's picture

Possibly one of the questions you are not asking yourself, is how do you feel about the situation? How does it affect you knowing there is a significant other with the your ppl? Because altho' you say you don't want to rock the boat for him, it surely has some impact on how you continue to correspond from now on?  You may well accept he has someone else in his life, but will that eventually have limitations on how you now perceive your friendship continuing?  As already mentioned, you refer to him as 'your guy', so clearly so far you have seen him as somewhat inclusive to you alone.  I think you need to step back and be very honest with your own views and feelings about the situation, and perhaps think about choosing someone that doesn't create a triangle of potential upset and drama further down the line.

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture

Thank you for sharing your experience. I had to ask because the couple of pp I contacted, most all of them had significant others. I wondered if I was the only pp who has been through this. I'm no child but I am new to this.  I came to try to do more good than bad.  Knowing  I had the power to hurt another woman if she didn't know or didn't like it made me question it more and more. I know some don't want their husbands or boyfriends having women around.  I know some might say "why did I ask if I already know the answer". I ask because I want to see if anyone has been in my shoes or to hear about any experience. If his girlfriend or wife didn't know or wouldn't like it,  could you have still stood by? I brought up one time with him but I don't want to overstep or have him feeliing as I'm focused on his relationship because I'm really not. It's been a pleasure and thank you for sharing. 

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

@Amandaj1 I think that next time you want to ask a question here, you may want to take some more time to check what you've written. Because the lack of information and some wrong information that you gave is causing all kinds of assumptions and therefore misunderstandings. If you'd taken more time and consideration, you would have noticed that the words 'my guy' were there instead of whatever you wanted to write. Another thing is that you write "he flirts with me AND I send him pictures"  which connect these two actions with each other. 

I didn't answer your question because I found it very confusing. I still don't understand the situation so I still cannot give you an answer that may be helpful. However, I wish you all the best and happy writings!

GinaSweden
GinaSweden's picture

Amandaj1, just want to add, I hope you dont give up, reaching out to someone on the inside is really wonderful. You may have thought some answers here seem harsh, but I can assure you, no one want to hurt you. Just share a bit of experience, because its so important to think this through, what youre after, your boundaries and if you got the time and engagement. Its NO thing for everyone, I know we all here also care a lot of the inmates, they dont need any more betrayal or draman in their lifes.

Another thing just wanna say, its so individual how couple function and which agreements they have. I can only speak for myself, but well it happened and Im in love, it wasnt planned and we didnt even met through an ad. Its very new between us, but we have talked so much through this and I was fast to say that I would not give up my male friends at hone nor my penpals since many years, for me the trust is the most important, and same goes to him I dont forbid him to write female friends, he doesnt got so many though, some old friends from home, but he finally accepted my pps and friends, thats just natural for me. I can admit yes I can be a bit jealous in different situations but we have an agreements that none of us will contact, write any new person. But if I was you I would chose those who is single, even if thats no guarantie they are... Good luck writing!

Northernyank
Northernyank's picture

@Kirsten Having a successful relationship with someone in prison comes with challenges that relationships in the real world don't ever run across. I trust my husband, had I had any doubts I wouldn't have married him. Yes, I would take issue if my husband was writing to other women. Writing offers a level of intimacy that people don't tend to have in their day-to-day interactions with co-workers, neighbors, etc. It's the same as I do not entertain having any deeper level of intimacy with men on the outside. Contrary to what people may believe there are women inside male prisons. My husband has had many conversations with the female BOP attorney, his therapist, counselors, and other staff members. I take no issue with this. A man who is in a relationship while incarcerated and actively seeks out other females to write to is doing his significant other a great disservice and probably looking for another woman to foot his bill. 

Just for fun, I did ask a support group of prison wives/girlfriends that I'm in and we are all in agreement that our men would be out the door if they tried to place an ad. 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Definitely a true observation, Mr.yellow Motorcycle. The part about Germa (or german- speaking Direktheit, aka directness). Other than the part of "You sound juvenile" which I thought was an interpretation with little base, I couldn't see much of a judgment going on there, neither. In fact, there are and have been several users whose first posts made me think along a similar line. The thread opener, though, had (for me) not been one of those.

And yes, I was astonished more than once how tiptoeing Americans can be, to the point that I got confused and thought and sometimes said "For heaven's sake, couldn't you just say what you mean?!" and I'm not talking about prisoners only, but also a few Americans living in Germany whomI happened to encounter on various occassions and levels.

It's like playing guessing games (which often hurt more than directness, at least myself). But then again... regarding the original subject, I'm not one of the average Jane's anyway and have always wondered (even as a teen) how narrowminded ppl can be when it comes to relationships.

As if it would be somehow normal to not talk to ppl who belong to the gender one's sexually attracted to (which,for unisexuals - regardless of attraction to one's own or the opposite gender) would exclude half the world to get at least some form of emotional connection, as a partner or spouse might disapprove of it. To me, that never made sense, neither logically, nor emotionally. Therefore, I'm the wrong one to discuss this stuff as my basic assumption is different, and as we know, different premises leaad to different results.

ST4s
ST4s's picture

as ST4s grabs some popcorn while following this riveting dialogue…

Wondering out loud here if there’s some cultural nuance that’s getting lost in translation – where German bluntness and directness (presuming Petra Swiss Miss is from the German-speaking part of Switzerland) is being mistaken for… let’s make a list: lack of humility, judgmentalism, ugliness, anger, rudeness, disrespect, blah, blah, blah… in lieu of the kid gloves, sugar-coated, American approach to things.

As an American with roots and family in Deutschland, I’m keenly aware of both: the differences in language, and how language constructs thought, and how this differs culturally – how bluntness and directness can be misconstrued on this side of the Atlantic.

As a fan of “blunt” myself (shit, I was raised on it), I just wanted to throw that out there.

As you were...

 

 

Petra Swiss Miss
Petra Swiss Miss's picture

@Amandaj1

For whatever it's worth, I did not judge you. But based on how your post sounded to me (and to others as well, as it looks) you where after a relationship with this guy.

Yes I'm blunt. But what I wrote was nowhere near rude in my book. You made assumptions about your pp's motives. I was trying to show different aspects around this topic in a more offensive way. I probably should have written "what do you want" instead of "why are you here". Because that is what matters in the end.

Don't let me or anybody ruffle your feathers, so to speak. At the risk of doing just that, please bear with me a moment. I still think you sound juvenile and maybe a bit vulnerable. Please let me explain that.

You wrote "I don't know many women who would appreciate their boyfriend talking to other women. He could say it's alright but we know it a lot of women are going to allow it / As a woman I'm not sure if she does approve / As women do we want our men corresponding with others. I personally wouldn't".

Again, I don't judge or disregard/disrespect you view. Everybody should live their life the way they want to.

I have been surrounded and gone through enough shit in my life. But at the same time I don't know what the next person went through in theirs. I was never shay or timid. There were times I could have closed myself off or second guessed every word or action from a stranger. But why should I? For me it's time wasted. I don't trust blindly but I stay open when it comes to meeting new people. If something is bugging me I put it on the table and discuss it. And I think I don't have the right to allow or prohibit anything regarding another adult person’s life. Well, unless he's my employee ;o)

In this context I don't see myself as a woman first but as an individual. The same goes for the "we". For me "we" is all compassing. Not gender or race but we as in humans. And never in the herd mentality sense. Individuals with their individual needs, wants and opinions, comming together. And from each other we can learn and grow and broaden our view.

I don't know if I made my first post more understandable. But you took the time to respond individually to the various posts and I thought giving you a feedback was appropriate.

 

As some of the others wrote: Know what you want and what you're comfortable with.

 

My personal tip, be blunt. It's freeing.

For example you wrote: & the award for the real MVP penpal goes to no other than

1. I'm into sports. But that MVP was probably not what you had in mind...? Or you have some really great sarcastic skills :o)

2. If you thought about the other MVP just go with it. Let it out and call it by its name. I can take it and I'm developed enough that I will not crumble. lol

 

But seriously, I wish you luck and that you live your life the way you want to.

 

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture

@northernyank

your response is what I was looking for. Not for validation but as one woman to another.  

 

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture

 

@EnglishRose83

My guy was a typo, I send him pictures never sexual or explicit. I send him pictures of everything. I recently became a flight attendant he ask me for pictures in every state I go . I write on a paper his name and welcome to (state)  

 

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture

@babyblaze

No I don't want him as a boyfriend when It texted my guy It was actually a android spell correction error. I was asking this question wanting to know more because of her. I don't want to go through extremes and require proof from her. I just want to hear what other fellow people here thought. Reading every one here opinion I no have more clear directions as to where I'm going with this.  As women do we want our men corresponding with others. I personally wouldn't. Maybe he wouldn't like it either. I am going to move on 

 

 

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture

 

@Petra Swiss Miss

& the award for the real MVP penpal goes to no other than Are you this judgemental with everyone you come in contact with? It's an ugly trait to have this angry, rude and disrespectful reply to someone. To answer your questions I'm here because I survived a physically and very mentally abusive relationship. It's been some time and I want to feel human again. I thought I could learn by slowly making new friends. I researched the Internet suggested to write a prisoner. I have spoken with 4 total. 2 wot them I enjoyed the conversations. They were also in relationships.  Its been nothing more than friends. One said she is aware and welcomes communication.  As a woman I'm not sure if she does approve. I came here to ask fellow pen pals because I thought maybe someone had the same questions or experience. Learn to be Humble . 

 

 

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture

You gave some good information. I'm new to the single life and I wasn't sure how to go about it. I don't know many women who would appreciate their boyfriend talking to other women. He could say it's alright  but we know  it a lot of women are going to allow it. I'm thankful for your reply 

GinaSweden
GinaSweden's picture

I am so glad to read that and happy for you both:) Its wonderful that love can happens when you least expect it. Love is just as much true even if one is om the inside and the other one is out, love can really break through everything :) Take care/Gina

Northernyank
Northernyank's picture

I met my Husband off of here. Nothing in his ad signaled to me he was looking for a relationship other than a friendship. I certainly wasn't looking to meet a man in prison and establish a relationship. The best decision I've ever made was saying 'I do.'

ST4s
ST4s's picture

And from a guy’s point of view, I can relay what I’ve heard from several of my buds on this topic (guys writing guys has a different dynamic than the girl/guy one, so, I might hear some things that women might not). I can report that my buds are dismissive of and disinterested in:

  • Baby mamas shopping for their next stepdaddy
  • Women already in relationships who are looking to have an “affair”
  • Underage and/or age-inappropriate girls/women
  • Flighty types who don’t stick around

Not that this is an official poll or a comprehensive list; it’s just a running tally of what my buds have told me over time. That said, I can tell you there is a huge, unmet need for “friendzone” women writing in. The operative word and missing ingredient here is “friend”, which is universally in short supply on the inside. So then, if one can parse the term “girlfriend” into “girl” and “friend”, without the baggage of romance, drama, jealousy, and so on, I can guarantee any one of my buds would love to hear from you... well, except for two, who’ve absolutely had it with women.

And that said, I’m not here to pass judgment on the whole dating-site/meat-market thing (among consenting adults), or friends becoming more than that over time. But by and large, my buds are not in the market for this at the outset. (Point of information: read someone’s bio first. The romance-seekers will be obvious. I’ve always avoided that because that’s not why I’m here).

I think Kirsten nailed it: know thyself.

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

I have several penpals. Some do have or did have a gf, some don't. I didn't bother either way, as I didn't write them out of romantical reasons.

One of them has been with the woman for the last 5 yrs or so. He connected us pretty soon after we started corresponding. Never any hassle or a bad word on either side.

No jealousy whatsoever (would've been unecessary anyway). He's struggling with some mental health issues, though and I guess, sometimes it's better to vent to me than to put every bit of it on her and the relationship. It's hard enough anyway, so, better an additional pair of shoulders, I think.

As far as letters go: I don't think he shares my letters with her, but even he did, I would not mind. Our exchange is completely friendzone, a nun wouldn't blush if she read it. And for the things I write about myself/my own life. If he passed it on to her,I wouldn't mind, neither. Her and I exchanged a message or two over FB as well over time and we get along well. Not like best female friends, but fair and I think we both consider the other to be genuine and trustworthy.

The other guy I have in mind at this topic, that's someone who got a gf after we had begun correspondence. He didn't stop writing me, but naturally it became less than before. I was ok with that, as 1) I was happy for them both and 2) I do have several pps, so, busy enough anyway. He gave me her FB info (with her knowledge!) and so we got connected, too. When 8 or 9 months later they split up, I got to hear the tears from both, but I wasn't the reason they broke up, so no, problem, neither.

Long stories short: Become clear on what YOU want.

Be a friend to one or more guys? Then do, but keep rule # 1 in mind: Don't write to guys you find physically attractive. Otherwise the friendship part may become a problem.

Find yourself a boyfriend? Then pick one you find attractive, BUT : keep in mind that relationships aren't too easy anyway and a relationship inmate -outmate has many extra hardships and isn't for the fainthearted and the feeble. And don't wail and whine if it doesn't work out, as some do, but many don't.

But before you write to anyone else: Know thyself!

Kirsten

P.S.: Regarding open relationships: Been there, done that. (Not with an inmate, though). I have had both monogamos and openly non-monogamos relationships. I don't regret either one, both CAN work, but communication is key. And prison is a hard place for open relationships, as there's no control on either side and trust needs to be even higher than anyway for this form of living.

Petra Swiss Miss
Petra Swiss Miss's picture

@Amandaj1

Why are YOU here? Because honestly you sound juvenile. This is not a dating site. This site was created "to help prisoners receive letters from free world pen-pals by providing the inmate a place to invite pen-pal correspondence" (see FAQ) That said, there are a lot of Profiles leaning towards romance. It's up to you to pick one or not. They can be as honest and true or lying and cheating in there, as anybody out here.

You speak about relationship. But did you actually built a friendship first? He told you he has a gf and you suspect it's because he has ulterior motives. Do you two actually have conversations about what each of you is expecting from this or is it just flirting and sending pics? What are you expecting him, or any guy, who is in a relationship to do? To sit on his ass the whole day and to not talk to another woman beside his mama? And when you decide it's time to move on, then what? Will you tell him "Sorry, can't do it anymore, my bad"? Well he at least will still have his mama.

I'm sick of all the juvenile, possessive and jealous crap that's going on in this forum. And I'm truly sorry I picked your post to finally unload. But being possessive or jealous is neither sexy nor prove of love. It's a mirror of ones insecurities. Finding your self-esteem and growing as a person requires different experiences. Like associating with other/different people for example. Each person you meet could potentially unlock a piece of yourself you haven't discovered yet.

Look at it from a different angle. Would you crumble when you get left because your whole focus was on one person and you don't have anybody else and don't know your purpose in life? Each connection we make with others broadens our horizon. Be it with friends or acquaintances. And not every connection with the opposite sex has to be romantic or sexual. You don't have to be in a relationship or be somebody’s whole world to be special. You can bring joy and be a friendly influence. And it works both ways. A friendly smile from a stranger can lift your spirits as much as a cuddle from your bff.

To borrow your term "my guy" is single. I'm not and haven't been in a very long time. They know the bits and pieces I tell them about the other. I respect each ones privacy. Both get everyday stories from the other. My pen pal gets a good laugh out of it when I complain about my bf because he did some typical guy thing. He even takes his side out of solidarity. lol We built a solid friendship so far. Including a little flirting now and then. Which I also do with others who are near and dear to me. The key is to communicate with each other. Don't assume but ask and tell what's on your mind.

Northernyank
Northernyank's picture

Red flags across the board if your pen-pal has a girlfriend or a wife and he's corresponding with another female. No gf nor wife is okay with having an open relationship, and this is coming directly from a prison wife. If he's on this site and he has a significant other then chances are he's fishing for pen-pals to fund his extracurricular activities. If he isn't willing to introduce the two of you via letters or social media I'd cut him loose. 

EnglishRose83
EnglishRose83's picture

Let's face it, some women don't care if someone is in a relationship or not. If you're bothered by him having a girlfriend ask to make friends with her too, that should tell you exactly what's happening. But calling him "my guy" and sending him pictures already says that you want more than a pen pal.

babyblaze
babyblaze's picture

I think it only matters what you are ok with. They might have an open relationship situation while he is locked up so the real question is is that a problem for you or not? If you are looking for a boyfriend and you want him to only have you I would say he isnt a great match but you can set boundaries and still be friends if you so choose. There is no right or wrong answer.

Selosa
Selosa's picture

Yes my penpal also told me he has a girlfriend but I set the boundaries from the beginning by saying that I was writing to him as a friendly penpal and that I  wasn’t looking for romance. So him telling me he has a girlfriend didn’t change anything. 

 

 

Amandaj1
Amandaj1's picture
Does your penpal have a girlfriend

How many women have a penpal with a girlfriend? I don't know if I should move on to another penpal. My guy told me he has a girlfriend but why is he on here. He flirts with me and I send him pictures but I think he told me that in case he gets caught. Am I wrong for stil being around? Would you still have a relationship if they had a girlfriend.