Manipulation?

You have to be careful, but you don't want to be too cynical.  I've written to about 15 different women and only 2 tried to manipulate me in any way.  You shouldn't do anything that you feel uncomfortable doing or that would cause you duress.  For example, sending money now and then is okay if you feel like it, but if you get pressured to send it or send more than you can afford, that's bad.  It's manipulation if he tries to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do over your objections. 

A request for visitation is not really a red flag.  Prisoners love visits.  If he tells you he has feeling for you, that may be his genuine feelings.  Some peopls fall in love very easily.  I know I used to about 10 years ago.

I visited my penpal Linda at her prison in Illinois 6 times this year.  I'm not visiting her there any more because she was paroled two weeks ago.  We became very good friends and last week we spent some time together on the outside.  Here's a picture of us at a Cracker Barrel restaurant.  Somewhere around here on this board I wrote a long account of my first visit, but it might have vanished in the forum update and I can't remember which subforum I posted it in. 

So don't sweat it unless he starts making onerous demands you can't meet, then pressures or guilts you when you try to refuse.

Hi there,

how about just giving it a little time? To plant a seed, water it and see what's going to develop or not? Actually, you NEVER know whether someone is being genuine or not, be it in- or outside. The only thing you can do is: listen to your gut feeling and when you're ready, make a reality check.

I have never been to the US, therefore no visits. Plus, I'm in a longterm relationship, so I'm not the one with the feet for glass slippers.

Nonetheless, I've got several pp and each connection developed differently.

With the guy who replied back to me first, I've never had any form of miscommunication, just easily flowing back & forth. We're friends by now.

Another one just reminds me again and again of a half-wild kitten. Establishing that connection was exactly like taming a kitten. very slowly, very steady, very regularly and no unexpected moves, please. But finally the kitten dared coming closer & seems to like it.

And the last one I added has been a thing of its own from letter one. I'm still trying to figure it out what the heck is going on there, because that guy's been making me grin from ear to ear from the moment I first read his ad up to now. And it seems to be similar for him. It's still getting to know one another, as we've just started writing in May, but sometimes it feels like ages. Writing short stories together and such.

Just allow it to happen as it finds its own course. If you feel safe and comfortable with visiting, do, if you don't, take it slow and don't. 

Welcome & happy writing, btw.   

Zarchery,

Thank you so much for this feedback, it made me feel better. That is such a nice photo and I am so glad you established a friendship with your PP.

I have a question. My PP sent me the visitation form and he said that I need to indicate that I knew him prior to incarceration or else they will most likely deny me. I'm pretty sure that Florida (where we are) prohibits penpal advertisements so maybe that is why. Is this something I should do?

Kirsten,

Thank you so much for the insight! I am feeling much better about the situation. 

[quote]Thank you so much for this feedback, it made me feel better. That is such a nice photo and I am so glad you established a friendship with your PP.[/quote]

It's nice.  Linda's a sweetheart.  I like to see her every month or two.  I'm going off to see her again next weekend.  I have a 3 day weekend due to Veteran's Day and gonna take two of those days to hang with her.  She lives with her elderly aunt and I'm helping them get their computer system set up.  I'm weirdly excited about overhauling their setup.  The pen pal program has been good to me.  One of the reasons I did it was to learn to socialize and connect with women in a way that felt safe. 

[quote]I have a question. My PP sent me the visitation form and he said that I need to indicate that I knew him prior to incarceration or else they will most likely deny me. I'm pretty sure that Florida (where we are) prohibits penpal advertisements so maybe that is why. Is this something I should do?[/quote]

Is your pen pal in the Florida state system or the federal?  There are some federal prisons located within Florida, and this site lumps prisons from both systems together based on geography.  I have a pen pal in federal.  One time while travelling through the Appalaichan mountains, I got caught in a snowstorm and had to stay at a hotel for a day until it passed.  Coincidentally, that hotel happened to be right across the street from my pen pal's prison.  I mentioned this in a letter and she said that they probably wouldn't let a pen pal visit. 

I don't know what the consequences of lying on a visitation form would be.  You could look at the form and if it says that there's a bad consequences for lying, you could tell your pen pal that you're not comfortable doing this.  He might balk at this because he's not as committed to following rules as you are (hence the imprisonment).  But his reaction could be a good test of how manipulative he could be.

That is so awesome! That is honestly so refreshing to hear. I hope your friendship continues to flourish.

My PP is in a federal institution so perhaps that is why? I know the courts prohibited penpal advertisements for inmates so technically they are not legally even allowed to have WriteAPrisoner profiles. I mean, of course I don't want to lie on the visitation form, but it would be pretty sad if I got denied simply because I didn't know him prior to incarceration. I'm not really sure how they could prove that I didn't, but I'll figure something out. Thanks so much again!