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PixieWings
PixieWings

It's no secret i'm so far from your normal everyday person. i've come to accept this, and my Native has to, i have between 6-9 years before he comes home, 6 if they give him parole, and 9 if he just times out depending on good time, it's all so confusing sometimes. i really want to make this transion as easy as i can for him since he has been looked up since he was a teenager, so he has no work history no anything really, but he did get his GED while being locked up and is trying to get a degree. i just don't even know where to start to get things ready for him to move in, i've lived single for gosh years, so i do understand i'm going to have to give up some closet space and stuff...but i just don't even know where to start or when to start. i wanted to create a cook book of the foods he likes and little things like that...but i don't want to sound all stupid trying to explain it all to him. Any advice would be welcomed.


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SarahMiller
SarahMiller

Wow that's intense. I have no idea, you should probably try to get him self employed.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

I'm not to worried about him getting a job because i know some people that do landscape and stuff. I'm more worried about what to do to when he finally does come home...how can i make him feel at home since the age of 16 a cell has been his home...i know i'm worrying about this way to early, but i don't like trying to do everything last minute, and he already don't like the ideal of him getting the husband closet in my room...so yeah i'm going to have to make room for him in my walk in closet..it's little silly things like that, that i would not think about, but might matter to him.

 
rainy daze
rainy daze

I'd make sure to have some money saved, so you two don't have to stress about that along with everything else :)

 
SarahMiller
SarahMiller

Dang, what is he in for? My guy has been in since 17. But I guess a cookbook would be pretty cool and different. I think also like maybe having one of the rooms or the den like his little man cave. Have his favorite sport team's decorations and stuff. Paint it real nice. Get a pool table or foosball table and a nice TV. Install a bar with stools. You know just something simple.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

it's on my list, once i pay the rent this month, i'm going to start banking the money from my second job, and just take care of things with my 1st job.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Dang, what is he in for? My guy has been in since 17. But I guess a cookbook would be pretty cool and different. I think also like maybe having one of the rooms or the den like his little man cave. Have his favorite sport team's decorations and stuff. Paint it real nice. Get a pool table or foosball table and a nice TV. Install a bar with stools. You know just something simple.

Murder with Firearm During a Crime, Assault with Intent to Commit Murder. but it was on Rez land so it was a federal case instead of a state case, so i think that is the reason he only got 25 years.

By the time he is home, all of my children (he calls them ours cause he does not want children of his own because he will by to old in his mind when he gets out) will be adults, and in theory not living with me..if i'm still living in this townhome, i could turn my oldest children room in the basement into a man cave for him. the reason i thought of a cookbook, i'm vegan...and to be honest i don't really know how to cook meat ( my oldest daughters does most of the non vegan cooking in our home) so i am going to learn to cook his favorite meats, cause he is not vegan and i don't want him to think he has to change how he wants to eat just because of me, and i don't have a problem cooking meat and things for him to eat.

 
Earthmother
Earthmother

Normal is over rated and subjective anyway :)

With 6 - 9 years before he is released, you do have time to get yourself ready before he is released...well, more prepared...because no matter how much groundwork you do, it's still going to be a big adjustment for both of you. You could check out Amazon for some books about ex-felons, as they do have some listed about job opportunities and also about settling back into society. There may be some state resources listed on the internet that are available for released inmates. I would say communicate with each other as much as possible about what sort of life you want/expect/hope to have together...and try to prepare him as gently as possible for the possible negativity he may face from society. Sadly, there are not necessarily many who are willing to overlook a criminal history and I think some released inmates are not prepared for that. They rightly feel they have paid their debt to society, and that people should judge them on their present and future actions, rather than those of the past.

I think the cookbook idea is cute. Some apparently casual conversations about favourite foods could lead to a secretly put together cookbook to surprise him with?

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Normal is over rated and subjective anyway :)

With 6 - 9 years before he is released, you do have time to get yourself ready before he is released...well, more prepared...because no matter how much groundwork you do, it's still going to be a big adjustment for both of you. You could check out Amazon for some books about ex-felons, as they do have some listed about job opportunities and also about settling back into society. There may be some state resources listed on the internet that are available for released inmates. I would say communicate with each other as much as possible about what sort of life you want/expect/hope to have together...and try to prepare him as gently as possible for the possible negativity he may face from society. Sadly, there are not necessarily many who are willing to overlook a criminal history and I think some released inmates are not prepared for that. They rightly feel they have paid their debt to society, and that people should judge them on their present and future actions, rather than those of the past.

I think the cookbook idea is cute. Some apparently casual conversations about favourite foods could lead to a secretly put together cookbook to surprise him with?

i've been asking him about his favorite foods and things, but not getting much of a reply to it, cause he knows i don't eat meat so he is like whatever you cook i'm happy with, sometimes when i read that i just want to smack him but not in a mean way but like really just answer my question and stop all this around the bush talk lol. we talk often in letter about how he would like things when he comes home, all he ever really says it he just wants to be home with me to cuddle on the sofa and watch movies since i've had to do everything on my own so long, he has no problem if i turn him unto a house husband until he can find work, and try to turn me into a housewife, even tho we both know that is not going to happy i'm so not a housewife LOL. mostly what we worry about to be honest is after all this time waiting, will everything be ok and we can start this lifetime we both want. we have been writing for a very long time (years) only became officially MWI this year, cause he is all about not waiting me to put my life on hold because of him...but i put my life on hold because even tho we have an open understanding about sex and all of that...i'm not going to sleep with anyone else, i may enterian the ideal from time to time, but to me it's cheating and i just can't go there.
thank you about the advice on looking for state reasourse to help him adjust better.

 
februarymoon
februarymoon

I'd start by meeting him face to face first. Call me old-fashioned but I like to see and get to know the person I'm moving into my home before they arrive with their bags.

What about your children? Are you not concerned about how this huge transition will affect them? He's a grown man and can sort himself out, he knows what he needs to do. Your children are relying on you to make the right decisions for them.

 
Earthmother
Earthmother

After so long in prison, independent decision making can become difficult. You get told what to do all the time...and that becomes ingrained and difficult to break out of...so that can lead to the sort of answers you've been getting...the whatever you make to eat is alright with me...so ask him what he used to eat when he was a kid? What sort of food really grosses him out? Tell him what your daughter might have cooked and see if he makes any response to that?

 
SarahMiller
SarahMiller

Well lucky him he only got 25, but still I think being 16 your mind is not fully developed and children shouldn't be charged so harshly. My guy had an assault charge at 17 and he is getting like 6 years smh

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

I'd start by meeting him face to face first. Call me old-fashioned but I like to see and get to know the person I'm moving into my home before they arrive with their bags.

What about your children? Are you not concerned about how this huge transition will affect them? He's a grown man and can sort himself out, he knows what he needs to do. Your children are relying on you to make the right decisions for them.

I'm in the process yet again to get on his visit list, it's been an ongoing fight with the fed. My children are fine with him and everything..they are 18,16,12 so before he comes home they are all going to be grown and in theory moved out..it's always a theory these days. We have a lot of blood family locked up so they are used to dealing with ex cons for lack of a better term.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

After so long in prison, independent decision making can become difficult. You get told what to do all the time...and that becomes ingrained and difficult to break out of...so that can lead to the sort of answers you've been getting...the whatever you make to eat is alright with me...so ask him what he used to eat when he was a kid? What sort of food really grosses him out? Tell him what your daughter might have cooked and see if he makes any response to that?

i'm going to try that. only thing i know for sure is he loves cheesecake as much as i do (only vegan cheat i have) and he wants me to make the deep dish pizza style i make. i don't get mad at him really for the way he answers my question, it just annoys me sometimes. i know the ideal of vegan kind of grosses him out, but he still says i'll eat whatever you make me.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Well lucky him he only got 25, but still I think being 16 your mind is not fully developed and children shouldn't be charged so harshly. My guy had an assault charge at 17 and he is getting like 6 years smh

he was 15 when it happen, they just did not catch him until 16...he was caught up in the gang life...even his mother tells me he is not the boy he was...that his whole mentality has changed. she laughs at me sometimes cause i'm trying to get stuff ready so early and we don't even really have a set outdate cause it will change based on good time and stuff..but she is happy that he will come to my place, cause she does not want him to come to the Rez until he is ok being in the freeworld, we both want to keep him as far away from trouble as we can until he is less prison mind and more freeworld mind if that makes sense.

 
SarahMiller
SarahMiller

he was 15 when it happen, they just did not catch him until 16...he was caught up in the gang life...even his mother tells me he is not the boy he was...that his whole mentality has changed. she laughs at me sometimes cause i'm trying to get stuff ready so early and we don't even really have a set outdate cause it will change based on good time and stuff..but she is happy that he will come to my place, cause she does not want him to come to the Rez until he is ok being in the freeworld, we both want to keep him as far away from trouble as we can until he is less prison mind and more freeworld mind if that makes sense.

Good luck to ya! I don't know anyone in prison, this is my first time dealing with it. But his brothers and everyone he knows were in and out of prison he said he knew he would end up there. That **** pissed me off like learn from that and do better. But whatever yeah I'm sure your man changed a lot. He was just a baby. Sucks that stuff like that still goes on.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

i have some friends that did not learn from family history of being locked up...i have a total of 7 cousins currently locked up,and a few getting ready to go back and yeah hey are always going in and out, but they are family and i love them...but they get a card from me once a month telling them i think they is so very stupid..and they write back yes pixie i'm stupid but you love me and thank you for the card and not leaving me.

I'm lucky i have support of his family and my family...i'm just worried i will fail him in some stupid way. i will do something so simple that i don't even think about like the whole closet space thing, and hurt his feelings..i know how silly it all sounds, but we have a lot of time left to do so i'm just stressing over foolish things i guess.

 
SarahMiller
SarahMiller

i have some friends that did not learn from family history of being locked up...i have a total of 7 cousins currently locked up,and a few getting ready to go back and yeah hey are always going in and out, but they are family and i love them...but they get a card from me once a month telling them i think they is so very stupid..and they write back yes pixie i'm stupid but you love me and thank you for the card and not leaving me.

I'm lucky i have support of his family and my family...i'm just worried i will fail him in some stupid way. i will do something so simple that i don't even think about like the whole closet space thing, and hurt his feelings..i know how silly it all sounds, but we have a lot of time left to do so i'm just stressing over foolish things i guess.

Wow, don't even feel that way. You are trying your best and he shouldn't get upset or have his feelings hurt for something silly and unintended.

 
februarymoon
februarymoon

I'm in the process yet again to get on his visit list, it's been an ongoing fight with the fed. My children are fine with him and everything..they are 18,16,12 so before he comes home they are all going to be grown and in theory moved out..it's always a theory these days. We have a lot of blood family locked up so they are used to dealing with ex cons for lack of a better term.

Well you know the rules with federal prisons and visitor lists. If you didn't know him beforehand then it's going to be very difficult to get on his list.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Wow, don't even feel that way. You are trying your best and he shouldn't get upset or have his feelings hurt for something silly and unintended.

i can be a really emotional person at times, so i worry over the most silly things at time to be 100% honest.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Well you know the rules with federal prisons and visitor lists. If you didn't know him beforehand then it's going to be very difficult to get on his list.

we only have crossed paths in the freeworld once, and i was 15 and he was 5, and to be honest i did not eve realize it until about 9 months ago when he sent me a photo of him and this little white girl...yeah i was the little white girl...( i mailed him the photo back with a copy of my photo my dad took it shows me and him and his mom..he had cut his mom out for some reason) but i really did not know him his mother makes native pieces and i was talking my dad into buying me one. they had sometime of native thing (i hate to put it that way but yeah i'm still kind of clueless about the whole native lengo) so he was in full traditional dress...he was just the cutest thing ever so my dad wanted to get a pick of us together. it's kind of funny i was the tall one then...yeah he is 6'5" now and i'm 5'8" on a good day LOL..if they denied me this time around, i'm planning to make a copy of the photo and submit it with the next visition paper, as well as write a letter asking for a special visit. because one of the ladies on Prison Talk wrote that was how she was able to get approved on her man's list. it never hurts to try.

i've heard so many different things about getting approved for fed list. one of my cousins friends just got locked up in the fed, so he sent me a visit request not that he wants me to visit but he claims if you can get on one federal visit list it's easier to get on another list. i don't know the truth to it, but got to try. i know him not well he was one with blue hair his name i could not really tell you at the time, i know it now.

 
februarymoon
februarymoon

So he lived in Europe too as a child?

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

So he lived in Europe too as a child?

no WA...most of my life growing on bases was in europe and asia, but we did spend a few vacations in the USA to visit mom and see the different Rez lands, because my dad has always had an interest in the Native culture.

 
SarahMiller
SarahMiller

That's a pretty cool *** story. WOW.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

We only started writing by chance...he was cellie with Mexican Painter boy...one of my very good friends and he was telling me about his huge native they celled him up with, and that he was a good guy but really far away from home so mail took forever he was lucky to get a letter a month from home, it was when mexican painter boy was in NJ and wondered if i would maybe just drop him a card since his bday was coming up and knowing how the mail had been if his family did send him a card it would be late...i did not see the harm in just sending a card...that was 8 years ago and we have been writing ever since...friends first and now it's more than just friends..i've become very close with his family and try to visit with them once a year on the rez, and they are close with my dad even tho my dad really is not people friendly to many years in the army.
(MPB is a nick name that he knows has has just a wrong nickname for me...either crazy white girl...or cracker child)

 
Anonymous
Anonymous

he was 15 when it happen, they just did not catch him until 16...he was caught up in the gang life...even his mother tells me he is not the boy he was...that his whole mentality has changed. she laughs at me sometimes cause i'm trying to get stuff ready so early and we don't even really have a set outdate cause it will change based on good time and stuff..but she is happy that he will come to my place, cause she does not want him to come to the Rez until he is ok being in the freeworld, we both want to keep him as far away from trouble as we can until he is less prison mind and more freeworld mind if that makes sense.

He needs to start making different choices. Because he was so young when he went in...he has the opportunity to change things. Dreamboat's cousin was in a native gang as a kid too...and now he's getting all his gang tattoos covered up... he no longer goes by his nickname...he's making changes so when he gets out people don't know he was that 16 yr old kid that went to prison for murder.

Also...you should encourage him to stop doing anything criminal in prison... if he is doing anything of that nature. Because one thing Dreamboat has told me is that if you don't get some distance between making criminal choices in prison...you'll continue making them when you get out. 6 years to the gate was when the Boat decided it was time to start living a straighter life in prison...he's preparing himself by getting used to not taking opportunities when they present themselves...not doing anything illegal... not getting into fights... etc etc... so you probably should encourage J that way too. Because it does make sense that if you continue to be a criminal up until the day before you're released...you're not going to have the mental conditioning to make the right choice once you're out.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

He needs to start making different choices. Because he was so young when he went in...he has the opportunity to change things. Dreamboat's cousin was in a native gang as a kid too...and now he's getting all his gang tattoos covered up... he no longer goes by his nickname...he's making changes so when he gets out people don't know he was that 16 yr old kid that went to prison for murder.

Also...you should encourage him to stop doing anything criminal in prison... if he is doing anything of that nature. Because one thing Dreamboat has told me is that if you don't get some distance between making criminal choices in prison...you'll continue making them when you get out. 6 years to the gate was when the Boat decided it was time to start living a straighter life in prison...he's preparing himself by getting used to not taking opportunities when they present themselves...not doing anything illegal... not getting into fights... etc etc... so you probably should encourage J that way too. Because it does make sense that if you continue to be a criminal up until the day before you're released...you're not going to have the mental conditioning to make the right choice once you're out.

As far as i know most of his time is prison is spend in the libary or working out...he does have tattoos but they are not gang related the are just normal native inspired ink, but it's all coverable with a shirt and pants, he does not have any that a tshirt will not cover. he has only been in one fight the entire he has been locked up and, he and to of his friend beat of a child rapist what was opening telling anyone that would listen what his case was.

 
natalieandjames
natalieandjames

Ever play "Hide and Seek" as a kid? That's kinda what its like....you count to whatever number and then----Ready or not here I come!!!

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Ever play "Hide and Seek" as a kid? That's kinda what its like....you count to whatever number and then----Ready or not here I come!!!

i'm confused...and no i did not play that game as a kid.

 
sunray's wench
sunray's wench

i'm confused...and no i did not play that game as a kid.

Natalie means that whether you are ready or not (and most, even with preparation will not be "ready") if you chose to put yourself into that situation you then just have to deal with it.

I would suggest that you will have more important things to consider than what kind of cheesecake to serve.

 
natalieandjames
natalieandjames

I am sorry my post confused you--thought everyone played that game as a kid. There is no amount of preparation that will prepare you for when he walks through the door and is home. I think your food beliefs might be an issue. I was once a veggie and being around people who are not is a thing. What will you do if he makes you a nice meal for Valentine's Day that consists of meat? Nothing to figure out now but a point to ponder nonetheless. You have 6-9 Years.....just wait til its 6-9 Days!!!

 
NorthernLight
NorthernLight

Compatibility with another based on minute details of life is a waste of time. Concentrate on bigger details rather than if you are going to want to give him the "husband" closet or make room in your walk-in closet for him. Are your religious views the same or your political views? Are you both in agreement on financial issues? Do you both have the same morals? Not saying that one can't be with someone where they are different but, in my experience, if both people have the same views on big issues the little ones fall in place. If you don't the little things tend to take over as underlying issues. Take this time now when you have 6-8 years to really get to know each other. Ask the difficult questions and really listen to each others answers. Are you both committed in the same way. A while back you were hoping to have more than a friendship relationship with your pen pal B. I think you need to figure out if J is really someone whom you want to spend your life (and your closet) with or if you are still searching for something more. Once you make that decision the rest (the little things) won't matter as much. You will be able to work those out.

 
Anonymous
Anonymous

Compatibility with another based on minute details of life is a waste of time. Concentrate on bigger details rather than if you are going to want to give him the "husband" closet or make room in your walk-in closet for him. Are your religious views the same or your political views? Are you both in agreement on financial issues? Do you both have the same morals? Not saying that one can't be with someone where they are different but, in my experience, if both people have the same views on big issues the little ones fall in place. If you don't the little things tend to take over as underlying issues. Take this time now when you have 6-8 years to really get to know each other. Ask the difficult questions and really listen to each others answers. Are you both committed in the same way. A while back you were hoping to have more than a friendship relationship with your pen pal B. I think you need to figure out if J is really someone whom you want to spend your life (and your closet) with or if you are still searching for something more. Once you make that decision the rest (the little things) won't matter as much. You will be able to work those out.

This is really good advice. It's the larger issues that break up relationships.

I googled "relationship questions" and made a list of the top 10 big things they say to discuss before marriage (finances, political stance, how you intend to raise the children, religion, in laws, etc) and we discussed all of those items. I think because you have so much time...you might as well find out now if you're compatible in the ways that matter. And it gives you time to think about everything and work out any kinks that arise.

In the end...it's going to matter more to my success with the Boat if we believe in the same parenting strategy or how we anticipate managing finances or how involved we expect our families to be than his need for the toothpaste to always be capped or that he can't have his foods touching unless they're meant to touch. I can work with the peas not touching the potatoes but I can't work with (for example) someone who believes in spanking as first line punishment and having his mother over 5 times a week.

It's good to investigate up front :)

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

I am sorry my post confused you--thought everyone played that game as a kid. There is no amount of preparation that will prepare you for when he walks through the door and is home. I think your food beliefs might be an issue. I was once a veggie and being around people who are not is a thing. What will you do if he makes you a nice meal for Valentine's Day that consists of meat? Nothing to figure out now but a point to ponder nonetheless. You have 6-9 Years.....just wait til its 6-9
Days!!!

i've never really had an issue with around people that are not veggie, but then again if someone makes me a meal or buys me dinner, meat or not i will eat it, because i just don't want to be rude. I did not have a "normal" childhood...i spend most of my time around soldiers so kids games i really did not play much, mostly learned hand to hand combat type of stuff....did have a (5 year olds) tea party with a 5 star general but that is the closes thing i ever got to when it comes to kids stuff.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Compatibility with another based on minute details of life is a waste of time. Concentrate on bigger details rather than if you are going to want to give him the "husband" closet or make room in your walk-in closet for him. Are your religious views the same or your political views? Are you both in agreement on financial issues? Do you both have the same morals? Not saying that one can't be with someone where they are different but, in my experience, if both people have the same views on big issues the little ones fall in place. If you don't the little things tend to take over as underlying issues. Take this time now when you have 6-8 years to really get to know each other. Ask the difficult questions and really listen to each others answers. Are you both committed in the same way. A while back you were hoping to have more than a friendship relationship with your pen pal B. I think you need to figure out if J is really someone whom you want to spend your life (and your closet) with or if you are still searching for something more. Once you make that decision the rest (the little things) won't matter as much. You will be able to work those out.

Our faith is close to the same, his beliefs are native american, and i'm a fae traditionist..the stories are different but the base of the ideal is the same. financial issues? we have talked about, he knows that even after he is not locked up i'm not going to give up working, because i'm so not the stay at home type. Right now i don't send him money at all, i did try to once because we email a lot and i wanted to help out with the cost of it...he got really mad and had the money returned to me and told me to never do it again, because it's a man's place to take care of things not a woman's...but he does respect and understand that after he is free i'm going to keep working even after he gets a job of his own. The wanting something more with B was more of a pipe dream then anything, i'm a bit of a hopeless romantic at time, even tho i entertain the ideal from time to time about being with anyone put J, i never will be...yes we have an open ideal when it comes to stuff like that...but to me it's cheating to actually do it...i like entertain the ideal but i don't honest think it will ever be more than an entertaining ideal. B and i have went out way anyways...because to be honest he would not handle the ideal of us meeting face to face...he was more comfortable with me being words on a page and a photo from a cement cell...and a voice...but it's ok i hope he does well even tho email's from his brother say others wise..but it was B's choice i came from the shadows and returned back to the shadows.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

This is really good advice. It's the larger issues that break up relationships.

I googled "relationship questions" and made a list of the top 10 big things they say to discuss before marriage (finances, political stance, how you intend to raise the children, religion, in laws, etc) and we discussed all of those items. I think because you have so much time...you might as well find out now if you're compatible in the ways that matter. And it gives you time to think about everything and work out any kinks that arise.

In the end...it's going to matter more to my success with the Boat if we believe in the same parenting strategy or how we anticipate managing finances or how involved we expect our families to be than his need for the toothpaste to always be capped or that he can't have his foods touching unless they're meant to touch. I can work with the peas not touching the potatoes but I can't work with (for example) someone who believes in spanking as first line punishment and having his mother over 5 times a week.

It's good to investigate up front :)

i agree with you...the one things i don't really have to worry about with J is he does not want children of his own, he is happy to claim my children and my children will be adults by the time he is in the freeworld...so i guess we would have to talk about how to spoil the grandbabies. Our family are pretty close already, well the most important memeber of my family my daddy..and his family get alone well...he mother is sweet to me, she sent me J's jacket from right before he was locked up...it fits me LOL but yeah not going to fit him when he gets out, but she wanted me to have something of his since he is not there with me now...it's kind of corny but sweet

 
vexedbelle
vexedbelle

The reality of both of your families being ok with this relationship is pretty awesome. I am thinking that would be a major hurdle if they were not ok with this whole thing. I wish you lots of luck. A relationship/marriage is hard enough as it is, without adding the ex-felon/con thing into the mix.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

I got a letter from him today..he is wondering how i would feel moving to the rez with him because he wants to go back to his home land...honestly i don't have a problem with that, i can always transfer with my job because i'm not the type to move anywhere without a job. i think it would be easier to set up a house, i guess he has one on the rez if i read his letter right because he is an enrolled member of the tribe than to try to find space for him in my town home as silly as that sounds, this place is mine i have it set the way i like it, so he might have the right ideal about us setting up a place together...but we have a lot of time still left to do before i have to worry about that part, i'm sure we will have it set in stone once he reaches his last year locked up..Our families are cool with it...his mom likes me a lot because i'm not one of those around the block girls. My dad is not a people person, but he does get along with J's mom they will talk on the phone while i'm visiting the rez.
There are just so many question right now...and i know most of them are just silly like closet space and stuff like that...just ready for his time to end so we can start our life...and if it does not work out well at least we tried.

 
februarymoon
februarymoon

I still think meeting him first is the way to go before you get caught up in romantic fantasies about playing house with him. That's going to be hard, even with your story of meeting him 20-something years ago and a grainy photo of 2 kids who could be anyone as "proof". The people at the fed prisons who approve/deny additions to visitation lists have heard every story under the sun.

 
Anonymous
Anonymous

I agree...I definitely think meeting (for anyone in a MWI sitch) is an extremely important step.
You can think anything you want but until you've seen someone in person I think it's really hard to know for sure if things are what they seem or that you even feel the way you think you feel.

 
februarymoon
februarymoon

Yes, you need to know things like:

- does he interrupt me when I talk
-does he want to just talk about himself or is he interested in me
- what's his personal hygiene like
- how does he react when things don't go to plan or he can't have what he wants
- does he accept my faults as being part of me or does he find then intolerable
- how is he seen by those around him

Although you can't get to know everything about a person in the controlled environment of a prison visiting room, you can see them at their best and worst. You can see them relaxed and happy or nervous and tense, depending on how the visit is going. It's good to ask questions and watch for the initial instant reaction, rather than ask a question by letter and he has two weeks to think about what he thinks you want to hear. Kind of like a job interview and the reason why many employers will only hire after at least one face-to-face meeting, rather than just your answers on the application questionnaire.

 
lollyann
lollyann

I seriously think to make a relationship work ,you need to be able to visit that person and look in there eyes and ask them any question and be able to see there body language when giving the answer .I certainly would not make plans till I met the person .I wish you well

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

I still think meeting him first is the way to go before you get caught up in romantic fantasies about playing house with him. That's going to be hard, even with your story of meeting him 20-something years ago and a grainy photo of 2 kids who could be anyone as "proof". The people at the fed prisons who approve/deny additions to visitation lists have heard every story under the sun.

I very much agree with that, and at the moment i'm working on that..because i know i'm not moving anywhere without knowing it's not all just prison talk...and if he does come here, yeah i already have enough saved to send him off to WA if it's all just prison BS talk...he does not know any of this.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Yes, you need to know things like:

- does he interrupt me when I talk
-does he want to just talk about himself or is he interested in me
- what's his personal hygiene like
- how does he react when things don't go to plan or he can't have what he wants
- does he accept my faults as being part of me or does he find then intolerable
- how is he seen by those around him

Although you can't get to know everything about a person in the controlled environment of a prison visiting room, you can see them at their best and worst. You can see them relaxed and happy or nervous and tense, depending on how the visit is going. It's good to ask questions and watch for the initial instant reaction, rather than ask a question by letter and he has two weeks to think about what he thinks you want to hear. Kind of like a job interview and the reason why many employers will only hire after at least one face-to-face meeting, rather than just your answers on the application questionnaire.

Thank you for that, i'm going to try it out..and if he does not like me asking simple question...then it will say what his real ideals are. Yeah we have been writing forever, and never had any issues..until the sexy photo thing that kind of ticked me off..but we will see on that one, because we still have heaps of time, and if the fed will not approve me, then we can't meet until he is free...and that kind of worries me.

 
Anonymous
Anonymous

and if the fed will not approve me, then we can't meet until he is free...and that kind of worries me.

Although I have met the Boat and will have seen him several times before he gets out...we have agreed to spend 1 month together seeing how it goes and working out the kinks and making our final decision after he gets out. If you could get the time off...it might be wise for you two to agree to something similar? Spend some time?

For me, I know obviously it's not going to be the same...neither of us will be working so there will be some missing stresses BUT I do think if we can spend 24 hours a day together for 30 days...it's probably a reasonable sign that we can make this work.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

Although I have met the Boat and will have seen him several times before he gets out...we have agreed to spend 1 month together seeing how it goes and working out the kinks and making our final decision after he gets out. If you could get the time off...it might be wise for you two to agree to something similar? Spend some time?

For me, I know obviously it's not going to be the same...neither of us will be working so there will be some missing stresses BUT I do think if we can spend 24 hours a day together for 30 days...it's probably a reasonable sign that we can make this work.

I actually wrote him about doing something like that..just have not gotten a reply yet, but we have so much mail going back and forth that it's hard to know what letter he has gotten and what he has not. Because i can save up enough money to take a LOA from my job at Home depot, and from my second job Speedway to maybe do 2 weeks..not sure about a month, but for me if we can't click in a week to be honest we will never click...right now we click good on paper and on the phone...but yeah face to face i'm not sure...well face to chest in my case...i'm kind of short as he likes to point out lol.

But i really think your ideal is a good one that everyone that is in or thinking about being in a MWI relationship that you should have a trial period for lack of a better word, before you jump head long into something that may or may not work.

 
sunray's wench
sunray's wench

Not a trial period as such, but just not having any expectations that it will all work out. Put as much in place before hand as you can, and then just take it a day at a time. And if you find you can't live together, that's not failure - it could just mean that you both need your own space after such a long time living your own lives in the way you have.

Inmates have a lot of re-learning to do when they get out, and that is harder when it's compounded by a woman or other significant person making direct or even indirect demands on them.

 
BirdyB
BirdyB

Inmates have a lot of re-learning to do when they get out, and that is harder when it's compounded by a woman or other significant person making direct or even indirect demands on them.

For some reason, many people appear to miss this point. There are serious readjustments for inmates to deal with when they get out, even more so for those who were incarcerated when they were younger and have been inside for many years. Sadly, they don't go from the hell of incarceration to a la-la land of princes and princesses. Now add to that the adjustments required to handle a relationship and the job is even harder.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

For some reason, many people appear to miss this point. There are serious readjustments for inmates to deal with when they get out, even more so for those who were incarcerated when they were younger and have been inside for many years. Sadly, they don't go from the hell of incarceration to a la-la land of princes and princesses. Now add to that the adjustments required to handle a relationship and the job is even harder.

I actually understand what you are saying..That is why i really just want to make this as easy on him as i can...not matter if he comes to my home or he returns to WA, i want to be with him when he gets out and spend a little time getting to know each other in the free world, if i don't get on his visit list to meet face to face, to see if we have any conection face to face, we blend on paper and the phone, but right now we don't know about face to face. Hell me being only 5'8" and he is 6'5" might be an issue for him, the fact i'm shorter than in his mind might be an issue. I know personally i don't date guys that are shorter than 5'7" because it feels like when we go out, i'm out with my son due to the whole heigh thing. Stupid yes, but we never know. I'm worried to do something to fail him...but in the end he might just fail me...We still have a lot of time to do, and i'm hoping the fed will let me on his list..but if not we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

 
NorthernLight
NorthernLight

but for me if we can't click in a week to be honest we will never click...

By the time this man gets out you will have been in a relationship for at least 6 years. I say 6 because that is when you said he might get out and I don't know how long you've been MWI. So you've been in this relationship for 6 years and you are going to give it a week to see if you click? Hell, it's probably going to take him 6 months to just get used to being out of prison. From all your posts the only thing I see you worried about is superficial things. I think you need to stop worrying about closets and height differences and start concentrating on the things that matter.

 
PixieWings
PixieWings

By the time this man gets out you will have been in a relationship for at least 6 years. I say 6 because that is when you said he might get out and I don't know how long you've been MWI. So you've been in this relationship for 6 years and you are going to give it a week to see if you click? Hell, it's probably going to take him 6 months to just get used to being out of prison. From all your posts the only thing I see you worried about is superficial things. I think you need to stop worrying about closets and height differences and start concentrating on the things that matter.

Not a week...But after looking over everything at best i can only take 2 weeks off work if he decides he wants to restart life in WA on the rez..The most i might be able to afford to take off work would be maybe a month, but i'm not sure on that one, it all depends on where i'm working at the time, i don't think i will change jobs, but never know how the job market can be.
But if he decides to go with what we have talked about he would be moving into my place, so i would not have to worry about taking off any work to be able to get to know eachother in the freeworld. We have a lot of time to do still and where he is going to go/come when he gets out we have not set in stone yet. And i've actually wrote him most of the points the others have made here and i'm waiting on his reply to that..so superficial stupid things if all i really have left to worry about, until i get his opinion on everything...so it's stupid little superficial things i'm on point with at the moment, but i know that will change once i get his reply.