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Don’t know what to do..

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freebird1
freebird1's picture

The headrush 'honeymoon' period is only 9 days old!.. no different to you meeting someone on the outside who you really liked.  Slow down! The big difference is prison life is nothing like the real world...time stands still. Everything and everyone is governed and regulated on a day to day basis by prison systems..inmates have no jurisdiction or say in what is available to them at any given time.  Yes, it's an exciting time, but being your first time please don't make the massive mistake of thinking this is the love of your life... prisoners are often genuinely desperate to meet someone who can become special in their otherwise empty lives. Many crave companionship, love, affection and have ideals of being in some kind of relationship. All they have is time... 

Right now practically the whole of America's prisons are on a lockdown, which means being shut in cells 24/7 with no access to anything. Mailrooms are reported as being stacked with backlog due to shortage of staff....Postal systems both in US and UK are also reporting massive slowing down of deliveries due to covid infections... I'm in the UK and my electronic messages have stopped altogether, and snail mail is taking even more weeks than normal to arrive either way. Take this time to just breathe and look at your situation realistically....after only 9 days you don't know this person at all, much less what situations are affecting his sudden lack of contact. If this glitch is so upsetting it is making you teeter on the edge of not bothering anymore, then perhaps writing prisoners is not what you should be doing.  Just remember, whatever you're feeling it's guaranteed your ppl will be feeling it 10 times more, and it's not all about you is it?

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

Hey British K,

good to see you laughing. That was one of my goals. *smile*

It's ok to miss someone. From what I know Jpay has ecards. Pick one attach it to a short email and tell him you're hoping he's well, miss your convos and look forword to get to know him better.

Send this and wait.

You know, yes, it is cool to have 2 soon to be 4 years penpals (one in March, the other, the one I cited from, in May). But let me tell you sth, if I may?

I would not be reaching these anniversary with either of them, had I allowed obstacles, misunderstandings, mental health problems, prison incidents to shatter my trust.

Regardless of the reason for this break you experience now,one thing is clear: You have a chance for growth here, by looking at what makes you believe his not getting back to you is about you.

It might be you had ppl (family members or a former love) leave your life all of a sudden and your heart broke and you thought they left because the connection wasn't strong enough? (I don't need an answer to this, but there may be an answer for you in here...)

Whatever you decide to do, take good care of yourself,

The German K ;-) 

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

British K, we are trying to tell you that there are many circumstances in prison that are beyond your pp's control. It's not a hotel (despite popular belief) where your pp can go to the front desk to fill in a complaint about his emails not going through. So please, have some patience and some trust in your pp. Read some threads here about pp's and prisoners and their troubles to maintain communication. You will find that you are no exception, there are a lot of complications. All of those come down to the prisoner having a hard time one way or another. 

On the other hand, if it's this difficult for you to believe that the prison system can give many hick-ups in the communication, writing prisoners may not be the right thing for you. 

BritishK
BritishK's picture

Hey German K lol

Yeah I agree we probably rushed things but it felt so right and the convo just flowed. I probably got more attached than I should be for 9 days but he made me smile a lot considering he's the one incarcerated he was the one always making sure I'm alright and I just miss him. 
I just worry because I know he has his tablet on him and receives my JPay emails pretty much straight away - and he always used to send me my first email of the day around the same time which obviously he hasn't done the last few days and as far as I know he wasn't in trouble or anything. 
It must feel so rewarding maintaining a 4 year long penpal! 

Kirsten
Kirsten's picture

I guess, you're overthinking it and you were rushing in. Meaning: 9 days of penpalship is a blink of an eye, certainly the beginning stages.

And if I had only one piece of advice to give to ppl who begin to write in, it would be: Take it slow. Penpalling can be very nourishing on many levels and for both, but it is no fastfood.

And often, when ppl start at a fast pace, they have very high expectations. Like writing daily or even phoning daily, sometimes more than once per day.

I'm not saying one shouldn't do it, but one would better be aware that such a strategy has its pitfalls, especially if used from the very beginning. Good connections/friendships get more intense and deeper with time and experience, but whereshould a deeper intensity come from when you start at the highest level already?.

There could be 7.899 reasons why he didn't respond and most likely, they've got anything to do with you personally.

I am writing to several ppl and one mailroom especially is super, super fast.On good days writing through a Friday evening after work (here, I'm in Germany, late morning/noon/early afternoon there) it can even feel like chatting, because there is a new message every 20 or 30 minutes. But: We have been writing for almost 4 years now and we certainy didn't start at that pace. Now, the last message I got was the one I found on Friday morning and then: nada. Which was unusual, especially for a Friday. Anything on Friday, anything on the weekend, which both is unusual. Now today, I got 2 short emails by my very frustrated friend, saying there's several more on the way, "the pipeline is totally stuck, but don't worry, I'm here and I'm not among the ones who got COVID this time" (he had it last summer). He was totally frustrated to not get our convos going on. Here's part of what I replied:  "I can understand you're angry. I don't think, it's intentional, though. Don't know about the US, but here COVID #s are climbing fast. Many ppl are sick or quarantined. If it is the same in the US (which I assume), then, these delays are NOT anything personal. Then they probably stem from less employees working in prisons. And I would think, if they are short on staff, then they'd rather put fewer ppl into the mailroom than elsewhere? Just guessing... Remember when there were no emails? Hey, it took at least a month to hear back. And we did not give up on letter bermuda triangle. That's us! And now we won't give up just because of COVID and a stuck pipeline!"

In other words: What you should do is being patient. And don't give up easily. Prison is a whole lot of unforeseeable situations, but if you're lucky, you can build unforgettable friendships in there as well.

Good luck,

Kirsten (a German K) ;-)
 

ST4s
ST4s's picture

Well, let me add two things: syncing and time.

Re: syncing, tablets can be Wi-Fi or not. For Wi-Fi, folks can usually send/receive messages just about any time, provided the facility is set up for that, everything’s up and running, and someone isn’t stuck in a dead zone (there’s lots of concrete and steel in prison construction, which is at cross-purposes to Wi-Fi reception, e.g., when one of my Wi-Fi-tablet buds is locked down, he can’t get a good signal in his “house” and communication suffers). Alternatively, one must sync their tablet at a kiosk. And if the place is locked down… no kiosk, no syncing.

Re: time, it runs differently on the inside. I’d expect your concept of “all the time” and your bud’s concept of “all the time” are widely divergent. A couple of days is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things. Really. You may want to recalibrate before throwing in the towel.

 

BritishK
BritishK's picture

It's just that our messages were back and forth all the time with little wait for a reply that's made me think he's just stopped talking to me. I know he has his tablet on him all the time too. Over the weekend everything was all good and I'd be up till 3am speaking to him (there's a 7 hour difference between us) I'm just going to wait and see if he replies but I honestly don't think he will. I feel like an idiot for being upset about it because I know he has a lot of penpals and he's a good looking guy so he probably won't remember me in a couple days. I just felt we had a connection but obviously not. Thank you for your replies :)

ST4s
ST4s's picture

Hey British K, what Carmen said.

In the comparing notes department, I can tell you electronic messaging with my buds has taperered off to a crawl and/or a full stop, pretty much nationwide. The culprit, as I'm hearing in snail-mail letters starting to filter in, is covid. It's exploding over here in the U.S. This translates to lockdowns, quarantines, folks not being able to get to "email" kiosks or phones, and transfers and releases stranded in limbo.

Keep the faith. Write a letter. Write a bunch. Best wishes :-)

Carmen163
Carmen163's picture

Dear British, 

As a first-time writer, you sometimes learn the hard way about the prison system. There can be many reasons that make it impossible for your pp to write to you. He may be in ad-seg/the hole (that is in isolation) which means he has no email privileges anymore. He may be ill. He may be transferred. His tablet might be stolen or simply broken. His prison or his section may be in lockdown. 

The fact that you sensed something was off could mean that your pp anticipated something stressful to happen. As all their communication is monitored, your pp cannot tell you straight up what is wrong. I do think that he was telling the truth that everything was okay with the two of you. 

I suggest you write a snail mail letter to him with your physical address included. Inmates are allowed to send handwritten letters and hopefully, he can explain what happened. I know it is so different from how we go about in the free world! WAP doesn't say this but patience and being prepared for anything unexpected to happen are the two important things that come with writing a pp. It's hard sometimes but it's so worth it!

BritishK
BritishK's picture
Don’t know what to do..
Hey all. It's my first time writing on here and could do with some advice. 
  I recently started writing to a prisoner, we got on so well, liked the same things, he told me I was really cute&pretty and that he really like chatting to me. Then in the space of two days he's completely changed, he's actually not replying to my messages now. The last couple of days had felt like something wasn't right but when I queried it with him he said everything is okay. I just don't know what I did wrong in the end. We was only penpals for 9 days but it really has put me off writing to anyone else. Nothing would have ever come from this because I'm in the UK but going from about 10 emails a day to just nothing hits hard - id have preferred him to have just said sorry I can't talk to you anymore than to just completely blank me.      Anyone else been through something similar?